|A Single Man
posted by Nicholas Deroose on Jan 6, 2011 00:00am | comments
Nicholas Deroose | | | nicholasderoose
Born and raised in the sunny island of Singapore, Nicholas Deroose is currently pursing a Degree in Journalism at Temple University. Deathly passionate about anything gay, Nicholas has written for websites such as Trevvy.com and Fridae.com. He is also featured in the upcoming publication of GASPP: a Gay Anthology of Singapore Poetry and Prose. As a gay Asian man, he is also currently working with Queer Philadelphia Asian, an LGBT grassroots organization to raise the profile of the gay Asian community here in Philadelphia. Nicholas is fabulously gay and hopes to stay that way for a long long time.
The number one New Year's resolution this year among my pals seems to be to find love. To settle down, stop fucking around and to find "The One" and I not against any of that except that I find that most gay men act like drowning victims when it comes to approaching relationship. Clinging for dear life onto the first sign of an available man like white on rice as if their ovaries have gone bad and they would never be able to have sex past the age of 40.
I am 25, single and never have had a serious boyfriend in my life. So I might be wrong about all of this because age is transitory and you want different things at different ages but would like to propose a few radical theories if you would care to hear me out.
There is nothing wrong with being single. I know it sounds preposterous simple and obvious but there is an underlying fear about being single that seems to suggest that there is something wrong with you. Because the world is built around being partnered and having two children and a white picketed fence, people who are single are often view as immature, because he has not yet grown up to settle down, irresponsible, because he is probably still fucking around or just plain weird, because if he is good looking and single there has to be something wrong with him right!? Right!?No. Breathe and repeat after me, it is ok to be single. Do not allow the constructs of society to wear down your confidence.
Stop dating. I have always found the concept of dating to be somewhat of a trap because there are presumptions behind dating that it has to naturally lead somewhere. Meaning, if you are dating someone, you are essentially setting yourself up because your thinking that it has to lead somewhere if not it is deemed as a failure. Instead of dating, try just hanging out instead. You may do all the same things as being on a date but just not calling it that reliefs you of those constraining boundaries. Concentrate on developing a relationship rather than the attainment of one.
You are in a relationship already. You may not know it but you are already in some kind of relationship already in your life but you just are not paying enough attention to it. We tend to elevate the monogamous relationship while downplaying other kinds of relationship. Friendships I think that the most often undervalued relationships and believe or not friendships are a type of relationship and like any relationship it requires time and effort in order to mature. Radical no? So instead of spending your time clicking on profile after profile, why don't you reach out and reconnect with the relationships that you have already. Drop your friends a call, send them a text, and tell them you want to hang out. They might not give you the intimacy that you desire but if you spend enough time with them I assure you that they will love you when you need it the most.
There may not be "The One." But there may be "The Ones". You might not be able to find that one soul mate for which you are destined to be with for an eternity but there can be people that come into your life and with each passing there are lesson to be learnt. As long as you have given and received something in that relationship, it becomes no less valuable then your next.
There are also many kinds of relationships out there and we can sometimes closes ourselves off to possibilities because of the social constructs that we have built around our idea of a relationship. I have always envisioned, although up for negotiation, that if I were to settle with someone to share my life with it would start as a open relationship and the move to becoming more monogamous. Because I know myself and I like to have sex and I want to be honest about that with my partner. Having that discussion and being open with your partner may avoid problems later on.
This New Year I hope that there will be love for you all and maybe even being single and still in love. Love to all.
You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly. –Sam Keen