In writing a final review of the entire Philadelphia Gay and Lesbian Film Festival, I kept thinking to kick it off I’d start with… “I’m too sexy for this film festival.” But would anyone get it?

Would John Travolta get it? Since the film he is in Hairspray was featured in the film festival. But if you ask Mr. Travolta, “There’s nothing gay in this movie.” Then why is it in a gay film festival? Don’t turn you back to the gays Travolta; we go to the movies more than straight people.

The film festival hit many genres, films representing varied countries and proclivities. Biggest disappointment? One Night Stand. Did anyone get turned on by this piece of garbage? I’ve reported that in my mind the French can do no wrong, but I need to change that to, all the French save for the lesbians, can do no wrong. What were those people thinking? Are tampon strings the new sexy? I half expected someone to floss their teeth during cunninligus. That is how tacky and tasteless this lesbian “porn” is…

On the tacky and tasteless front, Starbooty was supposed to be that way. However, the word is that the wrong movie was shown. Pissing off divaliocious RuPaul to the point of not being a very gay or happy drag queen. When I asked random volunteers for gossip a majority all had sightings off RuPaul raging around mad as hell. I’d be too if someone showed a rawer film than expected. To have to sit there and watch it be the wrong film with a theatre filled with people would knock my wig to the side as well. People have said that Ru wasn’t pleased with the audiences’ reaction and was quoted as saying, “Get me out of here.”

In the realm of audience reaction the most overlooked film in my eyes is Gay Bed and Breakfast of Terror. The audience was roaring with laughter and applause at every witty line said. It was classic and hilarious. But what films are picked as the best of the best?

Out at the Wedding? Which was also a volunteer’s favorite. Out at the Wedding is a gay movie for straight people. Enough said.
I’d also like to state for the record I thought there were too many damn straight people at the festival movies and functions. I’m all for exposing them, but I want to gay it up without feeling I’m an attraction at a zoo. Don’t feed the homosexuals!

Curiosity of Chance is a favorite? It would seem predictability was the key factor in getting top pick.

Volunteers also mentioned that they liked Finn’s Girls, Bears and Farley Granger. A few had said that Farley Granger was very gracious and that he “still had it.” No one would really confirm a film they disliked from the volunteers, but one brazen fellow said he wasn’t very fond of Four Letter Word. Sorry Charlie David, but nice work with Ugly Betty! The Bubble and Itty Bitty Titty Committee were named as faves, as well. It was also mentioned to me that the most populated movies seemed to be the ones featuring young naked muscle boys. No shocker there.

Sadly, it seemed most volunteers were too busy ushering and taking ballots to see many films. I’d like to thank all the volunteers for making my movie going experience a smooth and pleasant one. I’m sorry you were all unable to see as many films as you wanted.

Did the volunteers pick the pre-show music? At PrinceMusic Theatre especially I can say I enjoyed the pre-show music much more than some of the films. Great girl groups from Motown were featured and it was a nice warm up. The festival catalogue was great and I hated to write my notes all over it and ruin it. I’ll put it in my memory box anyway, with my Press pass. Thanks to Patrick McHugh, Kelly Burkhart, Scott Cranin, Lawrence Ferber, Rosemary Conner and the sponsors and jurors. You did a great job.

Pre-show chatter with ticket takers also gave info on how this year the lesbian movies were heavily attended more so than ever before. Of course! As the dyke population gets older they have to do something to deal with lesbian bed death. Strikes for Dykes was not heavily attended. Though certain officials mentioned that the Booty Call function was a great party; Itty Bitty party was reported to be sort of lame.

The greatest amount of straight people I saw was at the Starbooty after party. Who let them in? Were they just trying to piss of RuPaul more?

Parties and films aside, did anyone realize that while walking from movie to movie, that you’d be completely swamped with annoying families seeing High School Musical? One family asked me what the lines were for to get into a movie, and as I blew smoke in their children’s faces I proudly said, “Gay and Lesbian Film Festival.” Mr. and Mrs. Perfect hetty family basically covered their kid’s ears and took them to an exgay camp just in case.

With exgay in mind… Did anyone see the fabulous shorts??? Abomination: Homosexuality and the Ex Gay Movement was brilliant. Did you know that you’re gay because of a traumatic experience in your life?
Why aren’t we all gay then?

So a popular way to battle the gayness is to take a tennis racquet raise it high over your head like Captain Caveman and slam it down on a pillow while shouting out “Dad” or “Mom.” Which ever one screwed you up more! They actually illustrate how to do it. It was a touching short and profiled such groups as Exodus. An exgay group that had two male founders… that eventually married EACH OTHER. How’s that exgay therapy working? A tip for the exgay movement, if you want to turn lesbians straight, make them watch One Night Stand.

Femme Fatale, an Australian short, totally usurps the movie it preceded. I was gripped with fear from the first scene and looking away like a school girl at her first penis. A lesbian couple trying to get away from a maniacal serial killer! The best short I’ve seen. It is crap in your pants scary and it’s only 16 minutes long.

There were many marriage shorts, speaking of scary. The Happiest Day of His Life flipped around the lunacy that a bride to be demonstrates and shifted it over to the man. The Man gets asked, the man has a bridal shower, and the man plans the wedding and all the other things that will make the marriage last forever…

Also worthy of a mention Incredible Dyke (The Incredible Hulk as gay woman) and Women’s Bathroom (chicks that look like dudes facing gender prejudice in public washrooms), were surprisingly interesting and funny. Women’s Bathroom featuring that great band Tribe 8, was inspired by their song of the same name.

More movies that I thought were fabulous, The Chinese Botanist’s Daughter featuring the only woman I would gay marry, Meylene Jampanoi. If she were in One Night Stand, then maybe I’d change my tune on that awful flick. This movie is sensitive and lovely, try to catch it in a theatre, not DVD.

I learned a great deal from the films Boy I Am and 533 Statements, on the documentary tip and would probably rent Nina’s Heavenly Delights on DVD instead of shelling out cash in the theatre.

As the festival comes to a close I’m just pissed The Simpson’s movie opens this weekend, and I doubt I’ll be feeling like going to another movie. Can’t wait for next year’s festival, someone remind me to bring a sweater.