GUEST AUTHOR: Harry It

Philly Roller Girls derby championship event, The Warrior Cup, was a little slice of heaven, wrapped in generous dollops of brute force, bounteous proportions of finesses and grace and a shitload of a great-ass time.  It has something for everyone.  You can even hear the DJ, sometimes, when the three announcers pause for a breath, something that didn’t happen often enough for this writer.  Let the game speak for itself.

In the first match up, third and fourth place on the line, the Hostile City Honeys rocked the Heavy Metal Hookers’ world in a hard fought fifty minutes of very physical derby.  Bodies hit the floor until the very last second with a couple of “here’s something to remember me by next season bee-yotch hits” as the final horn sounded.  Passion flowed from these icons of the urethane wheel.  This isn’t the fake WWF type theatrical roller derby your parents watched on UHF. These ladies are athletes.  Moving very quickly and kicking the shit out of each other in various forms of lingerie.

Final score: Honeys-99 Hookers-44.

For those of you who for some reason do not know how the Philly Roller Girls roll, it’s all about getting your jammer past their pack.  The jammers are the swiftest of the swift, and to do their thing they need the support of the pivot and blocker players who use their assets to either clear the path for their own jammer or impede the progress of the other team’s jammer. There are other rules, but that’s the basics and I lost my program due to the fact that they also serve beer at the event. 

The Hostile City Honeys came loaded for bear.  They imported a very intense and physical chick from Wilmington named Ali Coholic and the bitch is mean.  She was doing all kinds of mayhem and used her specific gravity well.  You could see the frustration in Heavy Metal Hookers’, Captain Robin Drugstores’, face as she was ridden out of bounds. She was surrounded by pink and black whenever and wherever she went as if she was a marked woman.

In The Warrior Cup itself we witnessed the MoPain show as she led the Philthy Britches to a convincing victory over the Broad Street Butchers.  This Mo Pain is the real deal.  With cat like quickness, she seems to have a different gear than the other rolling ladies. Add to that her psychic ability to see where the holes will appear and she’s almost unstoppable on the jam. Then she takes the star off of her hat, straps on the lunch pail and becomes sand in the other team’s machinery with well placed hips shoulders and attitude. The other jammer for the team, Violent Violet is also no slouch  and the teamwork that was shown upfront by the rest of the squad made them resemble the New England Patriots, without the cheating.

Final Scores: Britches 93 Butchers 48

This was absolutely the best use of an early Saturday night in recent memory.  The after party was similarly rockin’ and the after-after party well, you just had to be there.  The only small critique I have of the whole well run operation was the announcers talking their asses off over the DJ.  Maybe the Heavy Metal Hookers would have been unstoppable, had they been allowed to hear some tunes to go with their jams. Give the audience some credit.  Let the rock and the game speak for itself.

Mark your calendar for November 18th and get your ass to North Carolina.  Philly is sending an all-star squad The Liberty Belles down there to battle with a squad from the Bay Area.  Otherwise you will have to wait until February to see more of this fantastic display of passion, athleticism and hott-itude that is Philly Roller Girls.