When I started, Acres was pretty much the only place I knew you could go if you were under 21. Besides, it was dark. I could hide myself, I felt like…I guess it’s like someone behind a computer screen. You can hide your personality. You can be a shadow if you want.

I never really liked the group thing so I just have one-on-ones. But I have to admit, them being random guys, anonymous guys, and it being unprotected—that turns me on. I think the unprotected thing…it’s more passionate, more erotic. There’s no layers. It’s like you can get down to nothing with the person, almost like you two are one.

I’ve heard a lot of guys say it just feels better raw. But personally, as a bottom, it usually feels the same to me either way. It was never about that. I just always liked that feeling of connection—being so close to someone. For me, that feeling can be very powerful. Overwhelming.

As much as I like it, though, I’m afraid of HIV…terrified of HIV. Of course I hear all the stuff about how dangerous it is. It’s exciting while I’m doing it, but then, a couple days after…it’s this whole vicious cycle. I never want to admit I’m worried, and I try to fight it away—but it always comes back. The not knowing, it doesn’t let me relax.

I remember getting so afraid, I would almost convince myself I had it. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I’d talk myself into getting tested. I’d come back negative and feel so relieved…until the next time, and it would start all over again. I’d beat myself up, try not to go back, but raw is the only way I really get turned on like that. So, I’d always eventually break down.

Later, when I started going more often, I couldn’t get tested after every time. Now it’s like I’m constantly on edge about it. Actually, seems like the only time when I can stop stressing is when I’m in the park. It’s like doing it, letting a guy fuck me, is the only time I can let go and forget the pressure of thinking about…just thinking period.

I think the best I can describe it, it’s sort of like those guys who say they want to get HIV so they can stop worrying about it. I wouldn’t want to get the virus, but I think it’s the same idea. You just get so nervous, it won’t let you rest, you think so much—that builds up all this tension. Sometimes the only way to let that tension go is just to do it. Get it over with.

I can go back and forth like this with myself all the time. But I’m starting to get really tired of it. I don’t want to live with that stress anymore; I don’t want to get sick; I don’t want to die. But it seems like I can’t control myself sometimes. Like there are these two things pulling me and I’m in the middle.

I’ve started to realize, I need to figure out what turns me on about not using a condom. What am I looking for in sex? Cause I’m really drawn to it, but also afraid of it. I realized that worrying about sex and HIV is really dominating my life, and I have to ask myself why.

I’m starting to wonder what that “close” feeling is all about. I always felt like by not using a condom, I was really getting intimate with someone. But yeah, I know these are anonymous hookups…so how “intimate” is that really? If I really want to get close to someone, what am I doing at Acres?

So if that’s not satisfying me, what will? Is there some way to get what I want without having to beat myself up about it later? Without having to live afraid all the time? I don’t know the answer. But I’m tired of living like this, so I have to at least ask the question.

Basically, I’m just saying sex is a very powerful thing. For years I’ve let sex and HIV control me. For years I didn’t think about it…I was always running away from thinking about it. It was a struggle against myself. Finally, I’ve realized I have to start looking inside myself.

Ra, 28