Steven, age 27

Executive Director of PhillyGayCalendar

The get REAL project talked to Steven, a 27 year-old man who lives in Philadelphia , about his experiences:

get REAL Interviewer: Would you say you’re more of a top or more of a bottom?

Steven: Usually I prefer to top.

gRI: Why is that?

S: Well, a lot of guys seem to think of the top as the “man”—it’s this whole macho thing. I don’t buy it. It’s not about how masculine I am, or the size of my dick, or some kind of image I’m trying to put out. I just like how it feels to top.

gRI: What about the “macho” thing don’t you like?

S: I just don’t like when it’s an act. When guys use it to say, “oh, I might be gay but I’m still a man.” That’s basically saying people who act “gay” aren’t real men, and you’re better than them. I don’t agree with that. And anyway, having sex with men in the first place seems a little gay, doesn’t it?

gRI: How do you think that plays out during sex?

S: It can make the top feel superior. A lot of tops think it’s all about them, like the other guy’s just there to get them off. To me, it should be equal. Both of us should enjoy it and both of us should get off.

gRI: So how do you make it equal?

S: Well for starters, I’ve learned to slow things down. It’s not like in porn where the dude just spits in his hand and goes crazy. That doesn’t work for everyone. A lot of guys I’ve been with like it more when you take some time for them to get relaxed.

gRI: You mean—

S: Back there, yeah. It only hurts because you’re tensed up. When you can relax your muscles it feels way better.

gRI: Spoken like someone who knows!

S: Ha! Well, I can’t say I don’t dabble every now and then. Topping is a preference, not a rule.

gRI: Okay, so what about playing safe?

S: Well of course there’s condoms. But besides that, I think slowing things down actually makes it safer. If the guy’s relaxed then there’s less chance for him getting some little tearing back there, less chance of blood, so it’s less likely to get an STD. If the guy’s obviously in pain, that means I’m doing it wrong.

gRI: So you slow it down.

S: Yeah, and to listen to the guy. The bottom sets the limits. For the guy topping it’s easy: stick it in, pull it out and repeat. For the guy bottoming it’s more complicated. So when I’m with someone I think it’s my job to make sure he’s enjoying himself. If he’s really into it, that makes it better for me too. It’s a turn-on.

gRI: Great, well thanks Steven.

S: Cool, no problem.

Regardless of how you choose to label yourself (top, bottom, versatile) maintaining your sexual health is important for men who practice penis to anus penetration regularly. It is a common misperception that men who prefer to be the insertive (top) partner are not at risk for HIV or other STI’s. When exploring what gives you pleasure, it is helpful to know what’s safe and what the risks are regarding specific sexual behaviors.

Important things to remember:

  • There is a myth that tops are not at risk for HIV. Unprotected anal sex is high risk for both the bottom and the top. The top’s risk is less than the bottom’s but considered high risk. The urethra (pee hole) contains a membrane at the tip that HIV could enter. Blood from small tears in the partner’s rectum could carry HIV into that membrane.
  • Wearing latex condoms significantly reduces the risk of exposure to HIV and most STD’s but not all. Latex condoms only protect the areas that they cover. Syphilis, herpes and genital wart infected areas may not be covered by a latex condom and therefore may be passed during sex.
  • Contrary to what some people believe, wearing 2 condoms to maximize protection will increase the likelihood that one or both condoms will rip. Any 2 condoms used together will cause additional friction. If the condom breaks the penis should be withdrawn and the condom replaced.
  • Lubricants that contain nonoxnyl-9 spermicide should be avoided because they may increase your risk for transmission of HIV. Oil, Vaseline, baby oil or hand lotion are not suitable lubricants because they destroy latex and cause the condom to break quickly.

Great tips to remember for being a top :

  • Use a LOT of lube, especially if you masturbate before anal sex. Masturbating can chafe the skin on your penis and make it easier for HIV or STDs to infect you.
  • Beforehand, check around your partner’s anus for any sores or lesions. If there is any tearing, bleeding, or broken skin, using a condom is even more important.
  • If you have a foreskin, pull it back and clean underneath after having sex. Use a mild soap or PLAIN cornstarch—nothing scented or abrasive.
  • Urinate after sex. This will help clear any viruses or bacteria that may have gotten into the tip of your penis during penetration.

Listen to your partner! He can tell you how fast is too fast, how slow is too slow, how hard is too hard…you get the idea. Respect his comfort level and you’ll both have a good time.

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