Most of my life I have had to prove myself. I grew up in Kensington. You ever been up around K and A? A lot of shit goes on there. My dad was never around which made things harder on my mom. I quit school when I was 16. Every day I was out on the corner selling dope and making money. Most of my friends died before I turned 25 and if they weren’t dead, they were in jail. I’ve been locked up a few times myself… mostly from fighting. One time I was looking at 17-35 years for aggravated assault. I fought this guy and his dog. You know how you fight like maybe three minutes and it seems like and hour? We literally fought for almost two hours. We would stop to take a break, wash the blood off and continue to fight. I ended up handcuffed to a hospital bed. I thought he was wrong and I was willing to die proving it. Where I’m from, that’s just the way it is. You can’t take shit from anybody or people think you’re a punk.

That’s what my friends and family think of gays. They think they are weak. Where I’m from, you don’t want to be gay. You can be a lot of things but just don’t be a “faggot” or a “homo.” There are gay and bi dudes up in Kensington, but you won’t see them marching at any pride parades. It just doesn’t work like that.

The first time I had “gay” sex was when I was locked up. I was like 22 years old. Actually he was a she. She had surgery done and had breasts and cheekbones. It happened in the detention center. We went into the shower room and turned on all of the showers so no one would hear us. I did her from behind. It kind of felt like being inside a vagina only it was tighter. I never touched her dick but knowing it was there turned me on.

I hated myself for liking it so much and I knew I could never tell anyone about it, but after it happened I found myself thinking about it all the time. I knew I wanted to try stuff with guys but I didn’t even know how to go about doing it. For about a year after I got out, I didn’t touch a man. I was really confused about how I was feeling. Then I randomly met this bisexual girl in South Philly who knew a couple of bi guys. They were like me, you know they were discreet and didn’t want anyone knowing their business. She introduced me and I started messing around with them. At first there were girls included but eventually it was just with the guys. I really like being with them because it’s like I can do whatever I want sexually. I don’t have to hold back like I do with women. They are really the only dudes I have been with. I don’t go to gay bars and I don’t have a computer so meeting guys is hard. Besides, the guys I mess around with now I know I can trust. I know they won’t tell anyone what we do.

Sitting here today, I’ve still never talked to anyone about how I feel about being with guys. Actually, that’s one of the reasons I decided to go ahead and tell my story. I just need to get some things out. The truth is, I’m okay with messing with guys. But I’m not okay with being judged. I know that the only way to deal with all of this is to talk about it, but I don’t even know where to go to do that. Some days I think about telling my family and my stomach will just start to get really upset. I just can’t see how that’s gonna happen. I’m too afraid of how they will act toward me once they know. Like, how am I going to feel walking into a room with everybody at Thanksgiving? Or what if I see cousins I haven’t seen in a while? I don’t want to have to punch them in the face if they say something that offends me. I don’t want to be looked at like less of a man. I am a man first.

I hope someday I will be able to be open about this. Mentally, it’s a lot to carry around. I’m tired of hiding and sneaking around. Pretending to be someone I’m not. I actually lose sleep over it. I am getting older now and a lot of things are changing. Like, I am not out on the street as much as I used to be. I started to read a lot. I don’t feel like I have to prove anything to anybody anymore. I mean I think I have done that quite a few times. At this point it is just good to talk about how I feel. Talking about it is kind of like therapy. I even got a few names of people that I might go and talk to. I am not sure what will happen or if I will ever be open about my sexuality. I just hope that I can be comfortable with whatever choices I decide to make in the future.