Come Out Already!

Executive Director of PhillyGayCalendar

"I’m a cute, professional gay man in my late 20s, suddenly single after a two year long relationship. The problem was my boyfriend refused to come out, claiming that he wasn’t gay: that he was straight but just into me. That was fine enough for a long time because I loved him and wanted to be with him, but it became a big problem eventually because I already came out a decade ago and have no interest in hanging around the closet door waiting forever for him to come join me on the outside. I also let it slide because he’s Arab and wanted to respect the cultural differences but it wore on me and eventually I had to give him an ultimatum: be real about our relationship or split. We know how that conversation turned out. Was I wrong? Should I have been more understanding? I miss him and am horny as all get out but the random hook up scene is not making me feel any better."

Your plight is one that all people ought to be able to understand, even if they aren’t currently trying to drag someone they love into the world of being out as they desperately cling to the door of the closet, screaming, "No, I won’t come out! It’s nice in here! It’s where I keep all my Dolce and Gabbana! I swear I’m not gay, I’m just really fashionable!"

We’ve all had crushes, significant others and "it’s complicated"s who needed to pull their shit together and do something that would help not only the relationship but, most importantly, their own lives. There are those that need to find a real job, finish school, move out of their parents’ house. There are those that have to settle the drama with their exes, kids and friends. And there are those that need to take your cock out of their mouth long enough to realize, "shit, I’m not straight, huh? Better call mom first thing tomorrow!"

It’s difficult to say if you made a mistake by letting this fish swim off into the sea in search of…whatever it is ‘non-gay fish who date someone of the same sex for two years’ seek. If you were still together at this point it would be de rigueur that I suggest lots of talking and even counseling so you two could explain to each other what this coming out symbolizes and why it’s so damn important to each of you. If things aren’t damaged irreparably from some god-awful breakup fight that resulted in broken furniture, penis size insults and threats of ass-whuppins, you could still have this sort of negotiation and maybe get back together.

But before you decide to give up on this situation or to throw yourself back into a caustic mess of hurt feelings with this man, here are a few things to think about:

WHO NEEDS TO KNOW?

To whom do you want him to be out? Everybody in the universe or would it be enough that he risks alienating himself to his conservative family and introduce you as his partner? It’s completely reasonable to expect to be integrated into a significant other’s social network and introduced as you really are, regardless of sexual orientation. Being hidden is a sure sign the relationship is un-even. But, as you know from experience, coming out is a process that can only come from within and no one else’s deadlines make it the right time. Consider the stages of coming out and what you need from your man to feel more confident.

MAYBE YOU ARE JUST THAT GOOD

Have you considered the possibility that the dude actually meant what he said about only being into you? Weirder shit has happened than someone getting a crush outside of their regular attraction template. Sexual orientation is comprised of internal orientation (who do you want to fuck?), behavior (who do you fuck?) and identity (who do you say you are?) and the three don’t necessarily have to line up. And people always forget about the possibility of bisexuality. He may fall somewhere on the Kinsey spectrum around a 1 with you being the one lucky recipient of his homosexual yearnings. The third word of your question was about how damn cute you are, after all.

THROW THE MAN A ROPE

You wanted him to come out about your relationship and that’s understandable. You acknowledge that one reason is because you already dealt with this BS a seeming lifetime ago. Do you remember how hard it was? Or can you identify elements of your own life that made it easier for you? Perhaps what he needs is guidance on how to have the conversation with his family and friends. Here is a simple resource from which to start. And one just in case he happens to be famous.

Finally, here is a piece for the straight folk who still don’t get why it might be so bloody necessary to be open about one’s orientation. Good luck to you and everyone else who needs to give their partner a big foot in the ass.

Questions? Comments? Violent Reactions? Email sexwithtmaree@gmail.com

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