Have you seen Queens of Comedy, a DVD released a number of years ago featuring comedians Mo’Nique, Sommore, and a couple other funny ladies? There’s a specific joke by Sommore where she explores the benefits of men coming with side-effects warning labels. She wonders what it would be like when first meeting a guy if his side-effects were clearly displayed. Imagine a neon sign blinking, Warning, this guy is subject to run up your credit, sleep with two or three of your friends, and has a tendency to disappear in the middle of a relationship.

Without a neon sign, how do you know if you can trust someone or not? The answer is you must rely on trust-testing. The definition of trust-testing is literally testing for trust or trustworthiness. All relationships include trust-testing. Children do it; co-workers do it, and even straight people do it. We constantly test each other to determine levels of intimacy and degrees of safety within relationship.

We use trust-testing to gauge congruency between what a partner says (the communication) with what he or she does (the behaviors or actions). We gather this data then compare it to our own internal barometer of safety. While the process includes the rational, logical mind, it mostly relies on a felt-sense in the body. The result is based less on do I think she is safe? And more on do I feel she is safe? This felt-sense explains why on the surface everything can look fine between you and your partner, but underneath your safety barometer points toward high-anxiety. Again, you either feel safe or you don’t; you can’t think your self safe.

Let me use an extreme example from my own experience. I once dated a guy who withheld intimacy and communication. He said he wanted a relationship but then behaved emotionally unavailable. After challenging the withholding as his fear of trusting me, he begrudgingly agreed to risk trusting more. He said, not so eloquently, “Fine I will trust you more; but if you ever breach that trust, I will hunt you down, slit your throat with a knife, and shit down your neck.” Needless to say, his declaration of violence did little to improve trust.

Trust-testing becomes more complicated when your boyfriend or girlfriend (like the guy mentioned above) is unpredictable, withholds intimacy, or is less than honest in either word or deed. I’m amazed by the number of people who say they want to be in relationship or are dating “seriously,” when in fact they’re only going through the motions – feigning commitment and sending mixed-messages. It would be easy to call these folks liars, because…well, in some ways they are. The truth is they’re frightened of trust, probably because they never experienced it before or because they know the pain of betrayal.

So how do you build trust in relationship? First of all and unlike the example above, both partners need to be open to building trust together. Assuming this is true, my favorite example comes from the French children’s book The Little Prince. You might be thinking a children’s story is too elementary for something as complex as trust; but it is not – trust me! To quote a famous line from the book, “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

A great recipe for trust-building can be found in the exchange between the little prince and the fox. Upon meeting, the fox asks the little prince if he will tame him. The little prince replies, “What does that mean – tame?” And the fox says, “It is an act too often neglected. It means to establish ties.” The word tame here does not mean dominance or mastery but means friendship. We learn from the fox that to establish ties is an act or process requiring attention.

The fox continues to instruct the little prince, "You must be very patient. First you will sit down at a little distance from me – like that in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day.” We learn here that trusting a friend is gradual and based on intentional actions, not words. This means, there’s no such thing as an instant boyfriend – trust takes time.

Finally, the fox says, "…Come back at the same hour. If you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is ready to greet you…One must observe the proper rites." Here we learn the importance of consistency. There needs to be a predictable pattern or rhythm of exchange between partners when building trust. This pattern needs to include both closeness and separation, coming together and spending time apart.

So to review, here is the recipe according to the fox: invitation of friendship, acceptance of invitation, patiently hold distance, gradually get closer, focus on actions not words, connect consistently, and respect trust-building as a proper ritual. And like any good recipe, sprinkle in some of your own spice and season to taste – voila!

Now go out there and love each other.