It’s a difficult thing to describe the details of my coming out story. Not because of embarrassment or fear or self-consciousness. I’ve told it approximately 1 million times to all types of groups, including classrooms, fraternities, dormitories, church groups, and any other interested organizations that preside in a college town like Newark, DE. As a former student leader of the only LGBTQ organization at University of Delaware, one of my obligations was to go out and tell my coming out story along with other members of the group to put a face on our community for those who may not understand what it means to be queer.

So, being so familiar with telling this story, it isn’t fright that makes it difficult. It’s that I barely remember coming out. I have been a gay man for so long that it is an integral and inseparable piece of my identity, and the details of coming out aren’t quite as vivid as they once were. I came out the first time in the 4th grade to my best friend, just moments after he had told me that he too was gay during a sleepover at my house. I didn’t realize at the time how extraordinary it was to not only begin exploring my sexuality at that time, but also to have a friend along on the journey. Of course, we were still so confused and ill-informed that we essentially came out as bisexual not gay, but you can bet that we only talked about boys for the rest of the night.

Perhaps it was having this confidante, this willing ear, that prevented me from ever coming out to another person until college. Perhaps it was self-denial. Perhaps it was the constant, venom-filled gay bashing I already was receiving all through high school. Whatever it was that kept me closeted until college, it bred a secretive and resentful nature in me that certainly had not come naturally to me before. But I had a secret to guard, and everyone was a suspect in trying to uncover it. It did not, however, keep me from challenging and exploring my sexuality. Even in my darkest corners of doubt or internalized homophobia that comes with growing up in a group of peers who don’t accept you, I knew that I was gay and had to find a way of coming to terms with that.

When I finally began telling the people in my life, the weight lifted was immense. There was no shock in it because even during my greatest tries at passing as straight, I was very much a gay boy. I am the type that you only ever needed to see or hear to know right away. The only thing that changed was that I could be open and happy with the people in my life. I could start having fun and stop regarding my family and friends as outsiders or enemies. A newfound sense of honesty after a lifetime of lies and deceit cannot be underscored regarding the coming out process, and I remember being amazed at how much happier I had become.

But I don’t really remember coming out. I don’t remember the conversations. What I recall aren’t the details of the coming out, but more so how it felt to do it and how I have felt ever since. There is no level of emphasis I can put on the importance of coming out, not just for the people in your life or for the LGBTQ movement or for that boy you’re secretly dating. But for yourself. Coming out is more than just a public acknowledgment of your sexuality or gender identity or both. It is the first step in deciding that you are going to be happy and honest in your life. And for me that is what my coming out story is about, regardless of the details.

Andrew Clark is a Philadelphia based writer, accountant, LGBTQ activist, and pop music enthusiast (not necessarily in that order.) Born and raised in Wilmington, Delaware, he went on to attend college at the University of Delaware, where he studied for his BA in Accounting. He currently holds an accounting position with a non-profit for financial counseling and literacy called Clarifi, where he is helping to address the specific financial needs and issues related to the LGBTQ community. In addition to his position as a staff blogger for Philly Gay Calendar, he also is a theatre/concert reviewer and HIV/AIDS column contributor for EDGE Philly.