Come Fly With Me – Then and Now!

Executive Director of PhillyGayCalendar


My Big Fat Gay Introduction: Why is it that “Misty Watercolor Memories” ebb/tide and FLOOD through me, lighting the corners my mind so continuously? Maybe it is yet another magical thing about being Gay. Perhaps dealing with the trials of the present allows us to reinvent the past, as though “Time has rewritten every line”. I am sure that Marvin, the Bergman’s and Barbara didn’t have flying in mind but, being a tad “off the wall” myself, I will now discuss flight and the way it was … and, unfortunately the way it is now. But, oh, “The Way We Were”.

Before my time, flight was a white gloved, veiled hat, coat and tie affair. (Seriously!) Air travel was special, elegant, hospitable and really fun. Generally marketed for those with higher incomes, air travel was very special. Traveling clothes were very seriously considered. Now, one feels like being part of a herd of cattle prodded into a very small barn. To be blunt: FLYING SUCKS and no one seems to care, but that’s another blog.

Buying a ticket to fly somewhere and being charged to take your luggage is like ordering dinner in a restaurant and having to pay extra for cutlery! ABSURD! Paying hundreds of dollars for a seat (on a couple of airlines) which one has to fight to find is hard to fathom. Self-Check-In/Pre Check-In … Good grief. What a chore flying has morphed into and what a pity.  

Once upon a time, I boarded a midnight flight for Rio from JFK. I had a great seat, way up front on a brand new Pan American 747 “double decker”. WOW! This flying palace had the original intention of the upper deck, which was a first class lounge area. One could have a cocktail, smoke and socialize in superb comfort. In those days, a person like me needed only to show a business card (Incentive Travel Professional) and an upgrade (space available) was offered immediately. With a smile, yet! There were no male flight attendants, just “Stewardesses” and they had very strict rules concerning age, weight and dress. While I am against this sort of profiling I must admit that sitting in coach and getting a dreadful cup of brown water from a pot bellied guy looking like an “unmade bed” makes me yearn for days gone by.

I very seldom get upgraded anymore since so many people use frequent flyer “points” and the business/first class cabins fill up faster than coach. The service is not nearly what it used to be anyway so why bother?

Many times when scheduling an Incentive Travel Group from PHL to wherever, I would get calls advising me that I must get an upgrade for so and so because he/she has very long legs and cannot endure 5/6 hours in a Coach seat (Boo hoo). I am 6’3” and my legs are oddly long while my arms and the trunk of my body are very average. I have flown thousands of miles and have always managed to fit in a seat and endure the flight. Scotch can really help with this and the addition of a Tylenol PM will guarantee some Z’s even in a middle seat. When flying transatlantic coach, I always visit Duty-Free and pick up a small bottle of my favorite, much better Scotch. I am through all “liquid” checking areas, tuck it in my carry on and I am much happier than paying $8 per shot on board. I’m discreet but have certainly been seen pouring from my own bottle and never been questioned. Anyway, Scotch, like WD40 and Windex, can fix just about anything. I highly recommend it.

I was originally annoyed when food services on flights went from edible to nonexistent. Now, just a bit of forethought offers me a gourmet lunch/dinner at a much more reasonable price. You can “carry-on” food, just not liquids.  I also don’t have to wait for that fucking cart to make its stop.  

The TSA or “Thugs Standing Around” (to quote Shirley McLain) have certainly made for annoyance, but do put forth the illusion of safety, which is most of what makes terrorism what is is. Israel and other Middle Eastern countries have been dealing with this nonsense much longer than we have. I understand many airports around the world have all sorts of surveillance going on. Some is above board and some is very much below. There really is a lot going on.

THE BOTTOM LINE: The Airline business is huge! Major American and International carriers are merging while others disappear. The entire industry (like most of us) are in a state of flux. Isn’t it exciting?  

Here’s a few Air Travel Tips that might come in handy:

TIP: Present yourself as you wish to be treated. Check in will so much more smoothly for people (Gay or Straight) with the proper “docs” (identification) and looking reasonably neat and clean. Watch what happens to the gal with the orange/purple hair or the butt crack guy. You can go have a coffee.

TIP: Leave any attitude at home. The Airline/TSA/Renta-Cops currently have the upper hand. None of them will respond well to being bullied. Stay under the radar, shut your pie/hole and just get through security.

TIP: Somehow your partner and you are no longer sitting together. WHAT? Computers, last names, human error, millions of reservations daily. Shit happens. The airline will do whatever is possible (if you are not an asshole) to get you together. I have always “depended on the kindness of strangers” and simply switched seats when on board. Hint: offer to move back, not forward.

TIP: When you open your carried on lunch with double garlic and onions and people begin to give you “the look,” you deserve it. Stinky-Goof!

TIP: Fully understand the complexity and scope of air travel in 2014. No airline/craft wishes to be a target and finding needle’s in haystacks is a daunting task. None of us are simply flying from point A to B any longer. We are actually entering a possible “weapon of mass destruction”.  That being said, it is my belief that protecting me is their job and I simply need to allow them to do it.  

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