The moon was full….

The night, chilling….

The screams…..toe-curling!!!

Ok, so the moon wasn’t full and the weather was actually lovely, but that didn’t make Eric Thomas and myself any less terrified for what we were about to walk into. I’m talking about the Eastern State Penitentiary’s TERROR BEHIND THE WALLS!! Located in Fairmount, the Penitentiary serves as a historical museum throughout the year, but for a few short weeks in October it is transformed into one of the scariest haunted attractions in the country. Picture an 11-acre, abandoned prison in the dark of the night, where some of Philly’s most talented actors are waiting to scare the dinner out of you. Waiting at the main entrance, we instantly broke a sweat and made peace with our lady Jesus.

Here are some tidbits that make TBW stand out. It’s not your average, mass walk-through where you can see who’s going to pop out where. There are multiple stop points where only small groups (6 or so) are let through each room. At times we found ourselves sprinting down empty, pitch-black hallways with no sign of visitors ahead or behind us. If that doesn’t scare you enough, you can opt to wear a fashionable glow-necklace. The necklace cues the staff that they have permission to touch you, and can even pull you away from your group to send you down a path COMPLETELY ALONE! You could probably already guess, but Mr. Thomas and I gave the necklace a hard pass. Even without it, we were still the most terrified we’d been since we first heard Trump was running for president.

Now when I say scared, I mean watching-Mariah-Carey-act scared. We quickly developed a system of checking corners, interlocking at the elbows, and leaving the group behind us to die whenever possible. Don’t worry, no straight people were harmed in the making of this interview. But honestly, I’ve never screamed so much – I felt like the slut in a slasher film. Boobs out and everything.

Everything about the attraction was incredible, and the work everyone put into this really shows. Plus, as a reward for surviving, there’s a speakeasy at the end! I quickly calmed my nerves with two vodka sodas, and we enjoyed some incredible live music provided by the ultra-talented cabaret singer Shannon Turner. It was here that I had the chance to catch up with my dear friend, Eric Thomas.

Eric is easily one of the funniest people in Philadelphia, and I can say that because I’m certified. In what you ask? Well that’s my business. You can catch this funny man at World Café Live, where he hosts the monthly storytelling show: The Moth. You can find more information (and their podcast) at TheMoth.org. You can also find him at Elle.com, where he writes the internet-breaking series Eric Reads the News. The topics run from Beyoncé to politics to fashionista cats who are also homeless. We call that range, henny!

I was surprised to learn Eric had never been to a haunted attraction. In his own words, “They’re three things that scare me. Waiting for brunch, white people, and the devil. And anything scary is the devil.” But he was a great sport and we made it out alive. Well, I was no deader inside than I already was.

And now a little about R. Eric Thomas…

What’s your go-to cocktail?

A Manhattan. I Love martini glasses and I’m a big whiskey queen. Back when I first moved to Philly and was a hot mess, I would go to Woody’s and order my apple-tini, dance and never spill. Girl, she fancy!

Are you with her?

I am…. I’m with Obama. When I say her I mean Michelle.

If Ana Navarro was running against Hillary I might say, ok let me look at her policies and they’d have good conversations….It should go without saying that no one in their right mind will vote for Trump, but it should be said! I mean his slogan right now is “Only Donald can save us"….its like, Knock Knock. Who’s there? The rapture!

Who’s inspiring you these days?

I work at UARTS at the school of dance, and those students and just super exciting and super inspiring. My friend Christine Noreen would stared in a play I wrote this summer, is the funniest actress I’ve ever meet and she a brilliant comedian and thinker. So I can go to her with any half-baked idea and she can finish it off. Here’s the pitch, black, lesbian little mermaid…GO!

What's Trending?

Person? Well, Beyonce has really owned this year, and its almost cliché to say it…but I will. So either her or Issa Rae from HBO’s Insecure.

Place? I'm loving my little neighborhood brunch and coffee place Chhaya in south Philly.

Thing? I'm trying drapey and flowy clothing. Like nothing that touches me. Lots of ponchos and scarves that are blankets.

 

Be sure to check out Terror Behind the Walls, running through October.

Visit EasternState.org/Halloween for more information

Learn more About Eric at REricThomas.com