“I’ve been dating a girl who’s bisexual for almost two months now. I’m crazy about her, everything’s clicking, and a few days ago, we officially declared ourselves exclusive. Only problem is we haven’t exactly discussed any “ground rules” – if there are any to be made – covering her bisexuality. I know it goes well beyond some experimental phase and that she’ll always be very attracted to women. I’m okay with that and I certainly wouldn’t want to limit her or deprive her of something that she innately desires, and that I could never physically provide for her myself. But at the same time, I’ve never been in a relationship where other people are fair game, and I have no idea how I’d react to such a situation. Part of me says, hey, it’s just chicks, and that’s always hot, and the other says, um, why can’t I be enough? It’s a tough situation to hash out on my own. Care to help a brother out?”

Congrats on your acquisition of a shiny new bisexual girlfriend, the ultimate in gifts that keep on giving. You have unwittingly (or perhaps quite wittingly) entered a world with the potential for sexual adventurousness and excitement that can only be paralleled by fame and recreational drug use. Kudos. Here’s hoping you got one of the sane ones.

Bisexual girls, like most girlfriends, do not come with owners’ manuals. And, as handy as that would be (Page 23: Care and Feeding for Your Bi Girl- keep plenty of cartons of ice cream on hand, along with copious amounts of body glitter and slutty short skirts), it’s hard to make generalizations about handling bisexuality within the context of an “exclusive” relationship. I use the quotation marks around “exclusive” because the designation of exclusivity by definition means you don’t have to worry about this. But it sounds like your situation is a little more flexible than the standard default monogamy.

I applaud you for being so selfless and rational in your approach to this situation. It shows not only foresight into potential future concerns but also great insight into your own complex feelings about the matter. It’s difficult for anyone to manage their dual desires to make sure one’s spot is solidly secure and still allow one’s partner to freely live and grow. For most couples, be they straight or gay, the dilemma of polyamory versus traditional exclusivity is complicated enough. But when it comes to a couple where one partner likes one gender and the other likes both, the situation gets even hairier.

After all, there’s no direct way to make it “fair.” In a hetero, gay or lesbian pairing, you just do or just don’t fuck other people. End of story. You come up with the rules and shades of gray (you can go to the movies, but you can’t kiss; you can kiss, but you can’t give a hand job…) but it’s just a matter of drawing arbitrary lines that apply equally to both partners. With a bi partner, you have the concern that you’re keeping her from something that is intrinsically part of her if you don’t “let” her step out. More to the point, there’s the fear that if you don’t concede to this desire openly, it will eventually come to a head and explode in your face.

Yet, if she’s allowed to hook up with other girls, you ought to be granted comparable freedoms as well, right? Perhaps, but some would disagree that it’s fair for you to be able to bang other women. Some would say that because relationships with men and women are inherently different, you being with another woman is not the same. Even your letter indicates that you have some level of agreement with that sentiment. The only truly fair way to handle this is to allow you to be with other men, really. But if that’s not your thing, well….. hell. Are you just out of luck?

It comes down to the particular bisexual girlfriend in question. Some bisexuals are pleased as punch with monogamy and once they find a partner, are fully occupied. Others seemingly require a little from column A and a little from column B at all times. Some are fine with a long term relationship with one gender with periodic dosages of the other. And a given bisexual might vacillate from one group to another over the course of a lifetime. So even if you come up with a plan for now, it might need to be revisited and re-evaluated at a later date.

As a result, my suggestion is that you maintain your flexible approach, keeping an open mind and an even more open line of communication so that situations can be discussed on a case-by-case basis. You can create all the theoretical structure and rules you want but reality tends to throw curveballs at you and you’re unlikely to have planned for the “opportunities” that will arise. And if you find yourself in a real bind on how t approach this: just consider threesomes and other more potentially egalitarian solutions until a more long-term plan can be constructed.

Finally, here’s a test you can take to see if you’re able to handle a real, live bi chick. Again, congrats. Bi chicks tend to be way hot.

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