David, Age 27

Executive Director of PhillyGayCalendar

I’ve never been very good at this.  Seems like I can’t figure out dating very well, but I can figure out how to have sex.  I can figure out how to go meet in a club and hang out for an hour or two, then go fuck, but that’s not really doing it for me anymore.

It’s become so much about the sex, and getting to the sex, and figuring out the best way to get this guy into bed, that I don’t even know how to socialize anymore.  It’s no coincidence that when I get to the bar, the first thing I do is get that fucking drink.  And get that second drink.  Then, after the second or third drink, now I’m ready.  Now I can socialize.  Now I’m loose enough that I can get over that awkwardness of being in a room where everyone’s just trying to figure out how to fuck each other.

And it’s no wonder that I have to be drunk to actually have sex.  If not, it would be pretty awkward getting undressed in front of someone I barely know.  It’s scary to be that vulnerable in front of a stranger.  Rather than realize it’s normal to feel uncomfortable in a situation like that, I’ll just numb myself out so I don’t have to think about it.

I’m not feeling any kind of CONNECTION from it, which is what I really want.  Some kind of intimacy, not just having sex cause it’s a habit.  Not just feeling like I have to.  It can’t just be me who thinks there’s something missing…

I’ve talked to a lot of guys who say they feel the same way.  Haven’t you ever felt like some nights you just want someone to hold you, or you just want to get into bed with somebody and watch a movie and fall asleep?  I’ve felt that way a lot, but I hardly ever do it, cause I think that the other guy always wants sex.  It’s like that’s what’s expected. 

I think we don’t talk about it cause that would make us vulnerable.  It would show that we actually care about someone, or have emotions about each other, and that’s not what men do.  We get all defensive about it, oh no, it’s all about the sex…we’re so trained to believe that.

So, about a month ago I tried an experiment.  I decided that the next time I met a guy at the bar, no matter how much I liked him, no matter how much he liked me, I wasn’t going to go home with him.  I was going to force myself to actually talk to someone, get to know him, and have a good time WITHOUT needing sex to make it work.

That next weekend I was at Woody’s with some friends, and I start talking to this guy—he starts asking about how many guys I’ve been with, what’s the craziest thing I’ve ever done in bed…the type of stuff no one really talks about unless they want to fuck you.  I’m not gonna lie though, he was really hot.  Any other night I probably would have gone home with him.

But right then, instead of thinking about how hot he would be in bed tonight, I started thinking about how it would be afterwards.  How we’d probably have a few awkward things to say to each other, then just run the fuck out of there and never really talk again.  I remembered how empty that felt, and how that’s exactly what I’d done with all those other guys I’d met.

Even though it was really awkward, I told him straight out, you know, you’re really cute, but…going home with someone just isn’t where my head is right now.  If that’s cool with you, I’d really like to keep talking and have a good time tonight.  If not, no hard feelings.

The guy looked pretty surprised, and I thought he was just going to turn and walk away.  But you know, he actually kept talking.  He asked me what the deal was with my “no sex” thing, and I started telling him.  I think he saw where I was coming from.  We talked about how we both want a little connection sometimes and how just going home with random guys can be frustrating and lonely. 

We didn’t just dwell on that stuff, though…cause once we didn’t have to worry about figuring out how to have sex that night, we both relaxed and talked about all kinds of stuff.  I had a really nice time, and I think he did too.

Since then, we’ve talked on the phone a few times and met up at a bar again.  We still haven’t slept together, and I really don’t know whether we’re gonna get together or just be friends.  But whatever we are, it’s been nice to have a real connection with someone.  That’s what I was missing when I was just going to the bars for sex—that connection.

David, 27

Read Related Posts...