The Sarah Palin Show

Executive Director of PhillyGayCalendar

Okay, this is a bit of a ramble, but have you seen Sarah Palin when she’s interviewed?

This past Thursday we were treated to what many people have come to call “The Sarah Palin Show.” I don’t know how many people tuned in to actually watch the debate, as much as see the Governor of Alaska instead of her SNL double! I treated the debate like Class A-entertainment. I dragged the dining table into the living room, had a friend over for dinner then whipped up the most American meal I could think of: steak, potatoes, Caesar salad and cheap, red wine from California. (Ok, I couldn’t go that far, it was a decent bottle of Italian Chianti.) The Navy blue napkins, the white plates and the red placemats we only use at Christmas completed the table. It was fun! I am sorry I did not think to do a piece on entertaining during the debate.

With her “Tina Fey glasses,” her thick Kirstie-Alley-in-Drop-Dead-Gorgeous-accent and the ever-present rhinestone US flag on her lapel the Governor has kept us entertained since she came down to the Lower Forty-Eight. Sarah Palin: I wish I could kiss your cheek, thanking you for the comic relief you have brought this election. Your use of the word “shout-out” to the third graders in Alaska caused me to nearly choke. (I expected her to “give pounds” to Biden at the close of the debate.) I will have to see if I am somehow related to the gay friends you have, surely found in the politically diverse groups of friends that you also claim to have. Given that a friend who once lived in Anchorage said that about 80% of the people that move to Alaska from the Lower Forty-Eight do so because they want to be surrounded by fellow conservative, white, Republican, Protestants I doubt that is the case.

Sadly, she did not make a fool of herself on the level that I expected. Her concordance with McCain in terms of same-sex couples getting rights such as healthcare and life insurance benefits shocked me. (This was nullified by how many times she used the term maverick.) I think this is however a means of winning over the few gay Republicans actively supporting this campaign. That both camps believe marriage is an institution meant for one man and one woman did not surprise me. I say to the gay community: get rid of the term marriage and replace it with civil union, please.

But I digress…

Sarah, you did keep your cool at the debate, I am giving you that “shout out.” Hell, I am giving you “props” for keeping up, not faltering and not looking as blank as you have in previous interviews. You kept your cool…thank God I didn’t notice you looking down at notes or a lap-top on the podium where I bet you were exchanging IMs with McCain. I can easily see these IMs. I will state that these are purely from my imagination, lest PhillyGayCalendar-Gate become a headline on CNN.

“Oooh, she’s askin ‘bout that little war we got goin on in the Mid-West.”

“Mid-East, Sarah. Specifically Iraq and Afghanistan.”

“Oooh, gotcha! J I like the Mid-West, wondered why we were havin’ a war with them. Nice Lutheran folk out there! You ever have a real Scandinavian dinner in Minnesota? Delicious!”

“Sarah, the debate PAY ATTENTION!”

“Oh gosh darn-it! I forgot! J You so are my BFF Johnny!”


(Minutes later…)

“Oooh no, she’s talkin’ ‘bout energy. Gosh darn it, why won’t these folks just let me tear Alaska up! It’s only gonna take three years to get the oil!”

“Thirty Sarah, about thirty years to get the oil!”

“Oooh, gotcha! J Damn I need a beer! You think I should tell them about my plans to not only overturn Roe v. Wade but criminalize pre-marital sex?”

“Sarah, the debate!”

“Oooh! Wouldn’t ya know The First Dude was IMming me about that too! LMAO! Ok, I’ll close out Facebook…TTYL!”

It was almost impossible to watch the debate keeping a straight face. It seems as if the weightiest thing she committed to is not allowing another Holocaust. What she meant was the destruction of Israel by rogue states, a nuclear holocaust. I looked up the definition. In truth the first definition on is indeed “a great or complete devastation or destruction, esp. by fire.” Bombing Israel would therefore technically be a holocaust. However, I am sure most of the nation raised an eyebrow assuming she meant that if Nazis resurfaced she would do her damnedest as a “Hockey Mom” to keep them in check: “You, Nazi, penalty box, now!”

She would not meet with them she insisted, as Obama promises to meet with our enemies. The McCain campaign would only meet with these rogue states when they have agreed to certain parameters. How – I ask you – can you have parameters established if they are not willing to meet parameters in the first place? The McCain campaign does not understand our position in the world has changed. We are no longer the darling of the planet! People do not wish to be associated with Bush and will most likely not wish to be associated with McCain. Their idea is cyclical at best and will doubtlessly leave our enemies as just that: troublesome, rogue states.

When the subject of healthcare came up it ended with Sarah Palin praising McCain’s plan to distribute $5,000.00 to families so they can pay for their own healthcare packages. Given my uncle was just put in a nursing home for $1000 a day on top of his Medicaid that doesn’t seem to make financial sense. Biden responded, that it was a terrible idea. He ended with the clever turn of phrase: “…that is the ultimate bridge to nowhere.” Sarah and most republicans are afraid of socialism in the form of healthcare, something even Canada has. For healthcare I do believe in Democratic-socialism, the kind they have in Western Europe where you can see a doctor for about twenty euros. Yet this is somehow anathema to Republicans although those nations with socialized healthcare are our friends and staunchest allies.

In terms of the economy she praised the famed industry of the American worker. That most of the jobs given to the American worker have been sent to China and India thus leaving an entire sector of working class in dire straits was not mentioned. I was especially amused to hear her speak on the environment. Off-shore drilling would only further devastate the environment by a) the actual drilling and b) the emissions that would come from not finding alternative energy sources. But perhaps Tina Fey’s first appearance as the Alaskan Governor really, truly does sum up her stance on Global Warming: “And I believe it’s just God huggin’ us closer!”

In sum I can tell you that most sources claim that Senator Obama is indeed ahead in the polls. If you remember my reaction to the PA Primary in the Spring I was at a loss for what I was going to do tomorrow. I know now what I am going to do for the rest of the debates leading up to the election. I am going to sit back and watch Sarah Palin and McCain make fools of themselves and the people who vote for them. I also look forward to renting my first straight porno in over a decade. Have you heard about the Hustler production starring a Sarah Palin look alike? I think the table will come into the living room for that one!

However, my long-term plan is simple. If Senator Obama does not win this election I will apply for my Italian passport through grandpapa and move to France to live with my American ex-pat boyfriend. Granted he is a registered Republican, proudly voting for McCain. How do you ask are we able to maintain a relationship? Our political divide makes for great S&M.

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