“I was out with some of my boys the other night and I see a hottie I really want to talk to. I make my way over, start chatting him up and then my friend comes over and cock blocks me. He starts talking to the hottie about some guy I used to date to make it sound like I have a boyfriend and then starts hitting on my hottie. It’s one thing if he’s trying to compete with me over the same boy but he doesn’t even end up asking for his number anyway. It’s like he just wants to stop me from getting it. If I mention something about this to him he acts like it’s my problem and I need to step up my game. What’s his deal?”

What’s his deal? His deal is that he’s a shit friend. While not everyone can be expected to play the part of the fearless Wingman who swoops in to keep your target’s uglier friends occupied and talk you up like the stellar piece of hot property that you are, they ought to at least avoid actively seeking to ruin your night.

Cockblocking, for the uninitiated, is the process of preventing one person from getting action from their intended partner. This may be as simple as an inadvertent “hello” and hug from a good friend in front of your target or as malicious and spiteful as spreading tales about the raging case of crabs in store for anyone who ventures into your southern hemisphere. It could even be your mom calling on the phone right as you round second base with a date.

And although the name inspires visuals of one cock stepping in front of another, the activity of cockblocking goes on with all genders, sexual orientations and other combos.

Cockblocking may be performed by anyone at any time. It can be the concerned friend who wants to make sure her drunken buddy doesn’t go home with the walking bad decision with the popped collar. It can be a jealous ex deciding that the moment you go in for a kiss with a new paramour is the perfect time to pick an imaginary fight. In fact, as in the experience of a couple good friends of mine, you can get cockblocked by a wild animal in the middle of the Poconos who’s decided your nekkid party has encroached on her territory. Damn cockblocking bears.

Although your friend does not seem to be so much altruistically diving in front of a bullet for you as he sadistically enjoying your wicked case of blue balls, there are plenty of very selfless reasons to get in the middle of a predator and their prey. As such, I’ve listed several of the most common machinations and listed them in order of increasing dickitude.

SHEPHERDS OF THE DRUNKEN SLUTS

These are the good friends, the ones who spend their night out elbowing away douchewaffle after douchehammer that approaches their loved ones. They may do so casually with a simple head shake to say politely, “dude, look elsewhere.” They may physically drag their inebriated horny friend and her or his exponentially lowered standards out of the bar and away from the shameful doom of the Next Morning Turn to the Other Side of the Bed where they’ll realize it was not a night of torrid passion with a Collin Ferrell, but rather A Rob Schneider, at best .

But really, this is a largely feminine domain: the conscientious cockblock. Male friends, by and large, find it hilarious when their drunken friends hook up with a total train wreck and are really only worried that there won’t be enough pictures taken of the monstrosity you take home.

THE RIVAL/UNREQUITED CRUSH

These cases may be aiming for the same bullseye as you or they may have actually set their sights on you. The result is the same: they intend to get between you and your goal by any means necessary. They likely wish you no harm; they simply have an agenda that is counter to yours.

Considering your ‘friend’ doesn’t actually make his move on the boys from which he blocks you, it’s not outside the realm of possibility that he wants to keep you single. This doesn’t necessarily mean he’s got a jones for getting into your situation. It may mean that he thinks the presence of a boyfriend will infringe on the time he gets with you as a friend. In many ways this is a valid concern, even if it’s unilaterally selfish.

THE LOGISTICS MASTER

There are always the cockblockers who don’t really so much care about you hooking up as they care about your hooking up affecting their night. Maybe you and this hottie heading home together means he’s got to come up with another ride. Maybe if you bring back a boy to the dorm room, he has to busy himself elsewhere for the 25 minutes of ecstasy you planned on providing.

Spitefulness in this situation is possible, although it usually only builds up if you make a habit of ditching your mates for hookups. Just be mindful of what you expect out of your friends when you go out together.

JEALOUS UGLY/SPITEFUL FRIEND

Perhaps if this friend of yours isn’t happy, then no one gets to be happy. If he’s not macking on a likely prospect, then no one should be allowed to pursue their aspirations Some cases are just friends who feel it is their designated role to nurture/police what goes on in your life but these are assholes who get sick pleasure from your disappointment.

From what you’ve explained, it sounds like your friend is just an ass, especially since his explanation is not about concern for you, but rather that you need to work harder at pulling tail. If he’s unwilling to talk about this, consider not going out with him if at all possible. There’s not much else you can do. Instead, pick buddies who will help you reach your goals and maybe even take one for the team.

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