“I’ve been with my girlfriend for a little over a year and we get along great. She’s really smart and cool and is an incredibly talented designer and seamstress. I’m constantly blown away by how creative and thoughtful she is. Sounds perfect, right? Except our sex life is awful. She wants it the exact same – every single time.

She needs us to make out for about ten minutes, then I finger her while she fingers me, then we take turns going down on each other. Every single time, in the same position, at the same speed. I have to give the girl props for consistency. But it’s driving me crazy. I’ve asked for specific things: positions, acts, you know, but she either won’t do them or will only try it once and then never again. She has no particular reason for it other than she says it’s the only thing that works for her. It’s really the only problem we have so I feel stupid breaking up just because of it but I don’t think I can resign myself to a life of boring sex forever. What can I do?"

Well, I surely can’t see what the problem is at all here. I mean, who doesn’t want every sexual act for the rest of their natural life to be a monotonous, predictable, endless cycle of choreographed tedium? Why, that sounds like more fun than I can stand. Hell, just thinking about it…. I might well need to change my pants.

In reality, this is a legitimate issue. Relationships have ended for far smaller matters of incompatibility. People have ended marriages over china patterns and radio stations, and lord knows relationships have fizzled when sexual chemistry failed to materialize.

Sexuality is not insignificant. Anyone who says otherwise is ignoring the vast majority of science and history and projecting their own disappointing sex lives outwards. That’s not to say a relationship without sex is inferior or unreal, just that sexuality is as influential on a couple as money, background or any other major issue.

So what are your options?

GROW A PAIR

This is not the time to mince words or give half-truths to salvage feelings. This obviously matters to you and if you act like it’s not that big of deal, you’re being dishonest. And if you don’t give your girl the whole story, giving her the opportunity to consider the situation and make changes if she chooses, then you’re the only one to blame if things don’t improve.

Describe what you’d like to have happen instead, explain to her what having a more varied sex life would do for you and be real about the fact that if she’s unwilling to compromise and switch it up a bit that you’re going to consider it a deal breaker.

CHANGE YOUR OUTLOOK

Direct confrontation not possible? Then you’ll have to rethink how you view this problem. How much does this really matter to you? Even the best of partners have quirks and annoying habits – only you can decide if this is one of those little costs of admission into their lives or if this is a sign that you can’t work out long term.

COMPROMISE

What is the ultimate goal of sex for you? Even the most routine sex in the world can get you off and give you emotional intimacy. Obviously you desire more than that. But maybe what’s really eating you is that she’s so unwilling to change, not the sex itself. Perhaps she can be willing to throw in a little fancy move here and there once a week or so. Maybe there’s something you can do for her that would encourage her to want to branch out. You can only know that from talking it out.

BREAK THE FUCK UP ALREADY

It doesn’t have to be forever. It can be a little quasi break for a pre-determined amount of time while you sort your respective shit out. Sometimes you think you’ve found the best deal in town only to discover that there are much bigger and better fish available. And sometimes you go search out greener pastures and realize what a sweet deal you really had.

In any event, wait no longer. Say something to the poor, stullifyingly boring girl. Light a fire under her ass and maybe all your dreams will come true.

Questions? Comments? Violent Reactions? Email sexwithtimaree@gmail.com