For me, what was most difficult about being gay wasn’t coming to terms with my homosexuality but trying to figure out where I fit into gay culture. I grew up in a small town where it seemed like no one else was gay. I thought all gay men were feminine and skinny because those were the only gay men that I had been exposed to. Those were the images depicted in the media and it seemed that was the status quo. I am neither skinny nor feminine. I have always been a big guy and I would much rather go bowling than spend any time working out, shopping or trying to look cute.

I managed to survive high school and it was during the beginning of college that I started to really get into music. I listened to a lot of dance and techno and would be out late most nights dancing. It was a release for me. It took me to another place where I didn’t have to worry about fitting in. The problem was that there was only one place to go and dance. It attracted the same crowd of people. Everyone seemed to be young and skinny with fo-hawks and tight Diesel jeans. I was the husky kid with a scruffy beard who didn’t look like an Abercrombie and Fitch model.

I started to get into drugs at that point because I thought that drugs and music went hand in hand. I was doing a lot of “E” and “K.” I liked how they made me feel while I was dancing but I was also using them when sleeping around. Most of the time it was with guys I really wasn’t attracted to. It was weird. I had these impulses to have sex but never really felt satisfied or good about it after it was over. And I always had to be fucked up on something in order to do it. Drugs made it easier to take my shirt off and not worry what the other person thought about my chest hair or the fact that I didn’t have a flat stomach. The most fucked up part was that even though I knew I should have been using protection, there were a number of occasions I remember not using condoms because I was too fucked up and just didn’t care.

I knew that I was depressed. I kept feeling like I was a freak. I mean it was bad enough to be gay but to be gay and not fit in with the gays was horrible. I was convinced I was going to live my life as an outsider of outsiders.

Thank God for the Internet. I started talking to an older couple that lived about a half hour away from my college. We eventually met and became friends. They introduced me to the bear community, which is basically made up of larger men that share more of the “man” characteristics such as body hair and facial hair. Think of a masculine guy that just happens to be homosexual. I met a lot of new people through them and started going to bear runs or events held specifically for bears and men who are attracted to bears. I noticed that there wasn’t that constant pressure to look or act a certain way around these guys. They were pretty laid back and accepting of everybody.

After school I moved to Philly and started to go out more and actually socialize. Here there is more than one type of bar where people can go. It was nice to finally have options. It was the first time that I felt like I belonged anywhere. The guys I was hanging out with looked similar and shared similar interests. The more involved I got with the bear community the more comfortable I got with myself. I was also getting a lot more attention. Instead of walking into a bar and being stared at because I looked different than everyone else, I was being stared at because people thought I was attractive.

I didn’t feel like I had to be on drugs to have sex. I was attracted to these guys without the drugs and didn’t need to be messed up to initiate a conversation or socialize. I started to appreciate my own body more. It occurred to me that there was more to being gay than what I had previously believed and had been exposed to.

It doesn’t matter how much education you have. I knew the dangers and risks I was taking when I was getting fucked up and having unprotected sex. If you feel like shit about yourself, more likely than not you are going to do things that put yourself at risk because you don’t care. Now I feel like I fit in somewhere and don’t have to be anyone’s daddy or fulfill someone’s fetish or fantasy. I don’t have to feel awkward or bad about being myself.