Stop Squeezing the Mellons

Executive Director of PhillyGayCalendar

Question to the Sexpert:

“I know you’re not like the Ambassador to Gay or anything, but maybe you have some insights: why do gay boys think they can grab women and sexually harass them and it’s ok because they’re gay? I have a few different gay guy friends who do this. We go out and they grab my boob in the midst of conversation, trying to be funny. Or they spank my ass as I walk by. It would be outrageous if a straight guy did it, but since they’re gay I’m supposed to be ok? What is up with that?”

Wait a minute! I’m NOT the Ambassador to Gay? But I’ve been planning on using diplomatic immunity to get out of a string of offenses I’ve been racking up over the last couple weeks. Now I need a new plan and I don’t think I know near enough pig farmers to dispose of all the evidence.

You’ve mentioned a phenomenon that has been noticed by more than a few women before. I collected a few choice stories to flesh out the picture for those readers who have not had the honor of being a molested Fag Hag (or, as one associate refers to them, Fabulatrons).

“I’m a straight guy in the theater and I’d see the gay guys in the cast just walk in and out of the women’s dressing room like it was nothing. My ex girlfriend was an actress and she complained about gay dudes in her plays just walking through while girls were changing and grab her boob randomly because it was funny. It really pissed her off.”

“I work in a nightclub and the atmosphere is generally flirty all around. But if a straight dude tried to actually touch me, security would be all over them. Gay dudes jokingly grab my ass or flap up the back of my skirt and it’s just supposed to be funny.”

The purpose of these stories and this column in general is not to come down hard on gay dudes for being a bunch of insensitive jerks. The reality is that harassment can happen to anyone and come from anywhere, but it’s rarely mentioned if the harasser is expected to be innocuous and harmless. And for the blinding flash of the obvious moment of today: clearly not all gay men engage in this behavior. Further, women can perpetrate this same kind of harassment to other women, but this behavior is rarely corrected at the time, even if the harassed person is upset.

“I have a female friend who, when she gets drunk, gets real grabby. Sometimes it’s funny, but regardless of how I feel when it happens, it’s like I’m not allowed to be anything more than a little annoyed because she’s a woman and therefore can’t possibly mean anything by it.”

There’s a lot of ways to read these types of behavior from gay dudes and straight chicks, some of them more sane than others.

INTERPRETATION 1: WOMEN GET OBJECTIFIED BY ALL OF SOCIETY

It’s never ok to grab a woman’s body, especially the parts designated as sexual, without her consent. It doesn’t matter if you’re not intending to go any further or doing it for humor. When you do this, you are no different than a straight man who does the same thing for entertainment. It’s exploitative and rude.


INTERPRETATION 2: WE HAVE DIFFERENT IDEAS OF PERSONAL SPACE

Cultures of women and gay men are distinct and unique from other cultures in our society. The rules of comradery and closeness mean that personal space is shared different between two female friends or between a woman and a gay male friend. Perhaps this closeness (which on the good side means plenty of tight hugs and hand holding) can have an unintended consequence of over-familiarity. Just speak up if you think someone has crossed the line and let them know it bothers you. It’s their job to respect it.


INTERPRETATION 3: CONSPIRACY THEORY

There’s always the possibility that the gay men or straight women offenders are pulling off the most elaborate practice joke ever just so that they can periodically grab a boob or two. There’s always the thought, “maybe he’s not really gay,” or “maybe she really is.” I wouldn’t so much worry about it. I’d stick with the first two interpretations because that’s a hell of a straight man who would go to the trouble of dating and blowing men just so he could walk into women’s dressing rooms.


Or maybe he’s bi. Whatever. Everyone, just take note: don’t be a bunch of Grabby Gertrudes and we’ll all be just fine.

Questions? Comments? Violent Reactions? Email Timaree at sexwithtimaree@gmail.com See more at SexwithTimaree.com

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