Question to the Sexpert:

"A 6+ year relationship ended early last year, and recently i’ve moved toward becoming "official" with one person after spending a year on my own, exploring, etc….She’s very sweet and we get along great and we have a mutual friend whom i have always been very friendly/flirtatious, but nothing has ever happened. Lately they go out on weekends and talk about me….

I’m just wondering if this is dangerous territory for me, despite the potential awesomeness that could (and most definitely would) ensue. If this turns threesome-y, I want to know potential dangers, etc…I don’t need to do ANYTHING to make it happen, I’m asking you basically if you were me what would you do?"

Michael Jackson passed on to the next stage of the game a full year ago. This, of course, reminds me of when we first learned he had died. It gave us an unparalleled opportunity to revisit his outrageously brilliant discography, for djs to demonstrate how poorly they can speak off script, and a chance for every third person on facebook to make a crack about how it makes sense he would die of food poisoning because it’s pretty dangerous to eat 12 year old wieners.

Ba doom chish.

It was also a time for media to remind us of various nadirs in his plastic surgery history. We can see his nose slowly erode and his face melting from cute Black boy to fascinating anime character. While this opens up the floodgates for jokes, one has to wonder: What was he GOING FOR?

I mean, what was the goal? Was he just fucking around, trying things out, like a compulsive tattoo acquirer who ends up with a mess of unrelated ink up and down their back because they can’t just write out their angst in a diary like a normal person? Did he have a vision of where he wanted his cosmetic alterations to take him ultimately? Or was he just swinging in the dark at attempts to look "better?"

You may have gathered this ridiculously long non sequitur is an analogy. What’s your goal here? What do you want to accomplish, both in this potential three-way action and in your relationship situation in general? When you know what you want (and what you don’t), it’s easier to know when you’re headed towards danger.

You start your query with a quick intro into your relationship history, so that must have some importance to you. If so, I can tell you this group wildin’ out is a pretty sure fire way of guaranteeing you won’t date this main girl for very long. Obviously there are exceptions to this: I’m sure there are plenty of folks who’ve had a drunken orgy on a first date and went on to be married for thirty years but aside from that being awesome, it’s also mad rare.

Statistically speaking, relationships "survive" group sex and polyamory (multiple lovers) a lot more if they’ve already been in existence for over a year.

Why? Because it’s stressful on a number of fronts. You have jealousy to contend with, and even if you swear on a stack of Richard Dawkins books you don’t feel jealousy, it has an effect. You have to ensure everyone feels equally included, massage through the awkwardness of deciding if this is a one-time or regular event, hammer out ground rules of who can do what to whom and how, and then ensure with every fiber of your being that you won’t ever hold it against each other that the craziness went down the way it did. Cause stuff happens smoothly and organically in the moment that gets interpreted very differently in the sober light of day during a routine disagreement about who put the dishes away last time.

You: "Seriously, this is the third time in a row you’ve claimed it was my turn."

Her: "Well maybe you should ask Whatsherface, since you came on her face and not mine. Maybe she can put the dishes away for you since you’re sooooo close."

See? No one wants that.

But there are plenty of positives to be had! It’s a unique life experience, an opportunity to develop a very open communication line with your girl, it sets the bar high on sexual creativity, there’s the chance it’ll make you all better friends with a deeper intimacy, you can all learn more about yourselves and what you like, and the most obvious: it can be damn fun with a side of indescribable physical pleasure. Hard to turn down an offer like that.

My advice: trust your gut. Decide ahead of time what you want. Talk things through with the girls until you’re all sure you’re on the same page. Read more of what I’ve written on group situations here . Keep thinking, keep talking and be considerate of everyone involved.

Questions? Comments? Violent Reactions? Email sexwithtimaree@gmail.com See more at SexwithTimaree.com

Sexpert Timaree Schmit is currently finishing her doctorate in Human Sexuality, the culmination of a lifetime of prurient interests. She has worked as a sex educator writing for both academic and popular media for over seven years, and as an HIV Prevention Counselor, peer sexuality educator and adjunct professor. She was the founding Chair of the Human Sexuality Education Student Organization (HSEDSO) and is an active member of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) and the Society for Scientific Study of Sexuality (SSSS). You can see more of her work at SexWithTimaree.com