I’m sick of hearing about disclosure before engaging in sex. I’m an HIV+ gay male. It’s my disease, it’s my business. What’s the big deal?

— Keep Your Nose Outta My Shit

Dear KYNOMS,

In a perfect world, everyone would disclose their HIV+ status before engaging in sexual behavior. Cotton candy would freely flow from drinking fountains. And I’d have the ability to shoot sparkle from my ass at will.

As you know, that’s not the world we live in. People don’t always disclose. Sometimes people even lie about not being positive. I can’t tell you whether or not to disclose or even judge you. I can only tell you it’s illegal in some states and why I’ve chosen to stop having sex without disclosing my HIV+ status.

First, as afraid as I am of intimacy, it’s something I actually want to develop in my friendships and eventually in a romantic relationship. Not disclosing is a real intimacy blocker.

Second, I want to be in a long-term relationship someday. Let’s say I hook up with someone without disclosing and then it turns out we like each other. If I found out later that someone had sex with me without disclosing, I’d be pretty angry. Disclosure seems to me the foundation that long-term relationships are built upon.

So basically, not disclosing costs me things I value: intimacy and my hopes of finding a long-term relationship. Not to mention that it could cost me jail time in states that have laws against non-disclosure.

So you don’t care about intimacy or being in a long-term relationship? No problem. I have a question for you. The question is what is not disclosing costing you and is it worth it?