If you’re reading this, I have some news for you. You haven’t been Raptured. I know. I’m as surprised as you are. I was all set to ditch my pudgy corporeal form and get whisked up to heaven in an incorruptible, and presumably toned, body, to spend the rest of eternity chugging mimosas and learning to play rock songs on the harp ("If you want, to destroy my sweater… *PLINK* *PLINK* *PLINK*"). Alas, we were not the chosen ones, and now we’re stuck here to face the storms, earthquakes, hurricanes, and  whatever other geologic activity and weather patterns that once represented natural phenomena but are now gleaming signposts of the approaching apocalypse.

The "approaching"apocalypse, you say? But wasn’t the world supposed to end Saturday? Maybe if you weren’t so busy listening to the 67th leaked single from Gaga’s upcoming album you would’ve read that this past weekend was only the beginning of the end. You know, like when you meet a guy you like and you think maybe it could turn out to be something for real but then you get home after meeting him and Google his phone number and find several photographs of him holding his ankles up in the air and listing an "out rate."Like that. Like a bleak future stretching out before you. So to speak. Anyway, so the world’s gonna end, for real, in October, and anything that happens between now and then is like a harbinger of unpleasantness to come. So let’s prepare for the end-times and make the most of the time we have left. Here are some practical suggestions.

1. Do Not Loot the Homes of the Raptured.

First of all, why would you want to own something that was pre-owned by an evangelical Christian? How many cans of creamed corn do you really need? Also, according to the most recent calculations I have on record, only four to seven people were actually Raptured over the weekend. Which brings us to –

1. No Gloating to the Non-Raptured About Their Being Unworthy of the Rapture

There are only four to seven people who’ve been Raptured up to Heaven so far, because the bureaucracy of the world above is eighteen times as screwed up as the system down below. What possible satisfaction could you get from ridiculing some ignorant motherfuckers just because they opted into a brokedick infallible holy system? Those poor people. Some of them spent their whole life savings just to get to some trailer park in Florida where they would get the best view of the Apocalyptic carnage in store, so if you’ve found the end of the world somewhat lacking,  LUCKY YOU. Enjoy it. The Apocalypse only comes once.

1. Politely Agree with Crazy People that Surely the Last Days are Upon Us

Because it’s much easier that way.

1. If Anything Goes Wrong, Blame the Heavens

Any mistakes, accidents, small tragedies, mishaps, and poor strokes of luck from here on out are not just because life is funny that way, but because the end of the world is for real and happening and going to eat you whole in a few months. So make sure to keep a detailed record of everything that goes wrong between now and October just in case the world does end and that way you will be able to account for your time, even if it is only in knitting and online word games.

1. It’s the End of the World as You Know It. Feel Fine.

It’s the Apocalypse! Eat every carb in sight and screw around with anything that’s not bolted to the floor or wall. From what I gather, sex is pretty much unavailable in the Afterlife so might as well get your kicks now. Also if y’all put on a nice bit of weight I will feel much better about myself when I see your fat ass at the bars.

1. Pray!

Or just hang out on your knees. Either way you’re getting down with a higher power.

1. Seven is the holiest number, so here’s my holiest and final advice:

Live your life! Some sonofabitch meets his personal Rapture every damn day from natural causes, and you don’t need some mass Jim Jones religious extinction to justify your existence on this planet. Whether the worlds ends last Saturday (it didn’t) and whether the world’s going to end in October (it won’t), our duty to ourselves and each other does not have a handy escape clause. We’re here to share in life on Earth and no matter when the expiration date for living may be, we’ve already lived through Y2K and three whole Matrix movies, so whatever comes next isn’t something we can’t handle.