Ready? Okay! RuPaul’s Drag Race is back with a vengeance, so let’s get right to first impressions from the premiere episode and the behind-the-scenes drama on Untucked.
* Witty Willam wasted no time once she got to the workroom before she started dropping names and throwing shade. Even before there was even another queen in there Willam had some shit to say, wondering aloud if any of the other queens had diabetes after seeing the plus-sized dress forms. And the hits kept coming; when Jiggly Caliente was all “Mama I know who you is,” Willam was all, “You must have a television.” Then when Madame LaQueer taught her the Spanish word for “bitch” (perra), Willam chirped, “I’m gonna learn Spanish by the time I win.” The bitch is deadpan.
* Girl you know it’s deja vu: Shangela jumped out of the secret box, again! But this time RuPaul Halleloo’d her and her pocket full of Hawthornes out of the workroom for good, saying it was time to make room for new queens. Shangela wasn’t the only RPDR alum to make an cameo appearance; as part of the RuPocalypse challenge, the season 4 girls had to loot the raw materials for their post-apocalyptic couture from a motel parking lot crawling with the undead corpses of Drag Race past. It’s Raven! It’s Ongina! It’s Pandora! It’s Zombie Cher I mean, season 4 contestant Chad Michaels!
* The story behind Phi Phi O’Hara’s post-apocalyptic getup was well thought-out and translated into an impressive Mad Max fantasy that was enough to make Santino think that maybe we do need another hero. In the Interior Illusions Lounge, Phi Phi and Willam got into it like Republicans and Stem Cell Researchers, and I thought Phi Phi came off bitter and insecure, but bitter and insecure with flawless everything is still a force to reckon with.
* Sharon Needles has my Facebook feed gagging, and I’m pretty sure guest judge Elvira had a “Sploosh!” moment when Sharon’s post-apocalyptic disco Mumra came down the runway BLEEDING FROM THE MOUTH. Her win for this episode was well-deserved for sure (trick, don’t even. I told you there would be spoilers. The shit has been streaming for two days. Where you been?), but then, this challenge was pretty much tailor-made for the goth girl, and I remain skeptical of her versatility. Exhibit A: When the queens made their very first appearances, Mizz Needles came out in a pointy black witch hat looking like a Halloween display at A.C. Moore. Which brings us to…
* Alise Summer’s breastplate looked like a burlap sack of mutated squash, and the only thing that was post-apocalyptic about her look was that it was ova. Buh-bye.
* What were the judges smoking that made them think that Lashauwn Beyond brought anything at all to the table? She tried too hard to be cute mispronouncing “apocalyptic,” and her runway couture looked like Chiquita Banana at the landfill. If her outfit was a traditional Eskimo home it would be a Fugloo.
* The first mini-challenge was a snoooooooozzzzzzzze. “Okay, girls, go stand on that Lazy Susan and strike a pose.” Remember the wind machines and hose-downs of mini-challenges past? Step it up!
* It turns out that crystal-encrusted kettle drum to the stars LaTrice Royale did hard time in prison, and lost her mother while she was in there. Reality shows always try to hit us with “dead relatives” this and the “plucking at your heartstrings” that, but LaTrice dropped an atomic bomb into the personal redemption narrative and the bar has now been forever raised.
* Hunty, those nasty words that leaning tower of hot mess LaShauwn Beyond spit at Jenny Craig from the block Jiggly Caliente backstage must’ve lit a fire under that ass, because Jiggly TURNT IT OUT during the lipsync for her life. In my opinion, that more than makes up for her tinfoil mumu of a dress. Jiggly has got a real spark of life in her, and she will not go down easy. To LaShauwn’s criticism of Jiggly’s sewing skills, Caliente snapped back “When I get paid, I’ll make somebody else do it. Beyonce doesn’t make her clothes! Beyonce don’t be sewing her shit.” Dream big, Jiggly, and keep using The Secret, because it’s just like the old saying goes: “Aim for the Beyonce. Even if you miss you’ll land among the Jennifer Hudsons.”
Want to refresh your memory? The full premiere episode is right here. See you next week!