Yo, Gentlemen … Brian again with my latest travel blog: CRUISING (aboard a ship) and what is good, bad and very ugly about the experience.

In the “Incentive Travel” business we look upon destinations, hotels, restaurants, and the like as “product”. A cruise line like an airline and is nothing more or less than an entertaining form of transportation. a resort a place to sleep and a restaurant a place to eat. It’s simply that prices, amenities, quality and what is delivered vary greatly. While I understand there are “Gay-Cruises” out there and totally respect that choice, I personally think that such isolation makes one feel somewhat “Ghetto-ized” and I would much prefer a more homogenized (no pun intended!) group of people who simply are sophisticated enough to be cool with others preferences. But, (as I learned long ago) that’s just me and few people think alike or feel things in the same way. CELEBRITY, NORWEGIAN, HOLLAND AMERICA, ROYAL CARIBBEAN, WINDSTAR (a personal favorite) and AZMARA CRUISES have all hosted entire ship gay charters and their regularly scheduled cruises are very “Gay Friendly”. REGENT, CRYSTAL, CUNARD (another favorite), SEABOURN and PRINCESS CRUISES are also very “Gay friendly” and pride themselves on that fact. Homo/Hetero conflict of any sort just does not seem to happen on these ships. A surprising amount of honest information on the subject is available online. Take advantage of it!

But I digress! The subject being discussed is CRUISING! I have itemized many of that I believe are important points for first timers as well as facts that I have to remind myself of from time to time.

Rule Number One: ALL CRUISES ARE NOT CREATED EQUAL!  Having spent years in Retail Advertising, the expression “Quality Lasts long After Price is Forgotten” is true in a great many applications and vacations are at the top of the list. Don’t be fooled skimming ads for “CRUISE BARGAINS” as many times the best cabin on a shitty ship is still sailing in the toilet. You must consider the ports to be visited, food quality, activity offered, entertainment variety, size and age of the vessel, point of embarkation and very important: who you are sailing with! Quite a lot to consider? You bet! Happily there is much honest information available online or you can call a “CRUISE EXPERT” but be warned that the so called “experts” are possibly working on Cruise line incentives (what I used to do) from different cruise lines. Additionally many of the cruise lines in 2013 are all apart of much larger corporations. It’s really huge business and you might not be getting the full story about what cruise is really best for you. All Cruise Lines will give you the median age of people sailing and this can be important. A Princess Alaska Cruise will have an average age of about one century! Depending on where the ship is going there may be scads of kids or at certain times of the year drunken high school or college students on break. RESEARCH! Call the cruise line! They will tell you. Quality! I once had a group aboard the Disney Magic and believe it or not there were enough decent adult entertainment choices that on my down time I had a ball! Disney is never cheap but their quality is totally dependable.

Rule Number Two: KNOW YOUR SHIP! BTW: NEVER call them a BOAT as it is quite frowned upon (something I learned!) Personally I find that “floating cities” seem great but there are no cabs going by to take you back to your cabin at 4 am after a few too many “martoonies”! When going to dinner, who wants to hike down 4 passageways and take three elevators (complete with lines/drunks/sweat/vomit)? One of the most awesome ships I ever sailed was smallish ship with 75 cabins total. Everyone was the same category, same rules and a “casual chic” dress code (whatever that really means … all I knew was no ties). It was one of the most relaxing vacations ever! Admittedly when I get my cruise for free, a suite or large stateroom with balcony is great. If I am paying out of my own pocket, the cheapest inside cabin on a really good ship is just fine. I like to be on deck or somewhere on ship as much as possible and have never spent much time looking out a porthole or on a tiny balcony anyway. But, that’s just me.

Rule Number Three: UNDERSTANDING DINING RULES! On most ships even those in the “Owner’s Suite” dine in the same room at the same time as the least expensive category cabin. Some ships are not that way and cabin price and category also denotes where you dine as well as how you dress. Most ships have two seating’s for every meal and in my opinion the first is too early and the second too late. You will have to choose your time before sailing and many times as a single or couples you will be asked to share a table. The best way around this is to head for the dining room as soon as you get on board to see what adjustments can be made. Many ships today offer a gourmet/adult restaurant experience and reservations may have to be made on board and first come first served. Sometimes they are really worth the surcharge too!   Generally a seven night cruise requests at least three “formal” (coat/tie) evenings and some even black tie. (Seriously?) My “rule of thumb” is to use your head with your dress. If the ship is expensive and Trans Atlantic (like The QUEEN MARY II) and calls for black tie a shlump like me would not have to tell you to do it. Bit, if you are paying very little and are just trying to get away from it all and relax … RELAX! They will not turn you away. If they did, there are always other options available other than the dining room. Room service in your underwear beats a coat and tie any day!  Anyway, I have personally broken many dress codes many times and have not been sent away yet. J

Rule Number Four: PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR ITINERARY!  Personally, on a cruise I love being at sea! Cruising on a Yacht-like sailing vessel in the Caribbean is awesome and some listing and rolling with the sea inspiring! To me cruising is early morning coffee on deck … Lounging on a chaise whilst skimming a glittering sea and is probably the only time I ever indulge in a sweet/sour cocktail with an umbrella.  Days at sea are what cruising is really about and most ports are really just for mediocre shopping, with a terrible view or understanding of a destination. (European tours the exception). In the Caribbean it is a good way to pick up a Cohiba (Cuban cigar) which you can’t but legally in the US. The ship itself will sell over priced tours of invented “important museums” and sweaty rum factories. Myself, I will be on board with the ship virtually to myself and five waiters serving lunch! Take that as you will! J  From Philadelphia we are lucky as there are cruises from New York and Bayonne (North Jersey), Philly and Baltimore with great flights to Miami and the Caribbean for embark/debarkation. Just allow for plenty of time between flight or ground and ship. For me, rule of thumb is that if the cruise leaves at four and embarkation begins at noon, I shoot for about two of three after the lines die down. Once again, depending on the ship you have chosen will offer an embarkation buffet and do the “cattle” break down the fences for that! Generally speaking, the staterooms are all prepared and the cabin stewards are not really busy yet. Go directly to your stateroom and order room service (usually included) and enjoy! You might even get a nap in before the muster drill (life jackets etc.)

Rule Number five: Watch out for hidden charges and the cleaver ways ships profit on your good nature. I don’t fault them by any means. As I began with, a ship is a product, nothing more and nothing less. It exists to entertain you and to turn a profit. Never forget that. There is nothing wrong with that cute guy asking to take your picture “the lighting is perfection”! Or the pretty little Lass offering some ridicules looking mega-cocktail you are on vacation right? “I just have to swipe your card”! Beware that many ships now don’t allow cash payment for anything anymore. They really don’t want you to keep track! They want you to HAVE A BALL!!!! All cool … Just be aware. In addition on the final night a stack of envelopes will appear in your stateroom complete with instructions on how much to tip and whom. SERIOUSLY? I believe the psychology is based on the power of the written word. All I know is that the guy who cleans my room and makes origami animals on my bed at night is going to get a bigger tip than the wine steward or the “Captain” who might have said “Good Evening” when I entered the dining room. The point is tip who you want what you want as you normally would. Personally I think the whole concept of tipping guidelines is an insult to anyone with any manners at all. But, yet again, that’s just me. Port Charges are a necessary evil as are very expensive parking fees. It is always smart to make a list and ask questions. Every cruise line has information online, available by phone or has provided much too much printed material. I guarantee you that by spending just a bit of time familiarizing yourself with what is offered and how your chosen “ship product” works you will be way ahead of most of the other passengers so be prudent and get your vacation priorities in order. Make a plan and have a great time!

THE BOTTOM LINE: A Gay couple of either sex will most be likely be given as much respect on a cruise as they give. Should you decide to screw on deck some will step over you and some will be offended. The same rules apply to straight couples. Holding hands and a peck here and there is hardly a crime and would hardly be frowned upon but a major love scene in the lounge will get the same “GET A ROOM”! comment for a gay couple that a straight couple will. Sometimes the trick is to not take things so personally and always remember that understanding and acceptance is a learned trait and one that works both ways. We must be gentle with many of these people when they encounter us as it is their first time! J