RuPaul Drag Race Episode 5.3

Executive Director of PhillyGayCalendar

Hey Drag Racers! This week on RuPaul’s Drag Race, the queens broke into two teams to perform a child-friendly but splendidly delicious variety show. Plus, why was Alyssa Edwards dethroned? Sashay and Chante have the T.

Sashay: Alright hontey, first of all… Why didn’t they use real childrens in the mini-challenge? Those doll babies looked creepy.

Chante: Girl, that would’ve been child abuse!

Sashay: I did enjoy their names though.

Chante: Yes girl, Lil Pound Cake for Pope!

Sashay: Now girl, let’s move on to the main challenge. Why are the queens’ acting chops always lacking? I guess they’ve never had to fake an orgasm in the back of a Prius parked on 12th street.

Chante: Just relying on face and body ain’t gonna get you through a good scene or good sex. You gotta give it a little dip, pop, and twerk too.

Sashay: Halleloo.

Chante: I mean Monica Beverly Hillz and Vivienne Pinay were dry as toast girl.

Sashay: And don’t forget Miss Coco. I was glad Ru called them out on it. Then Coco wanna come with some lame sob story about how she can’t stop thinking about Alyssa Edwards.

Chante: Seems like she immediately has to deflect responsibility onto faux drama when she knows she’s in danger.

Sashay: The next time they stop the show for some big reveal, it better be because a queen tucked so hard that she can’t find her dick no more. That would be some REAL drama.

Chante: Preach, baby. And what was up with Alaska and her boy drag? Girl. This is not RuPaul’s Best Friend Not In Drag Race!

Sashay: Word. What a dumb ho. She has been fucking up royally ever since she got here. She should have been in the bottom two.

Chante: I don’t know if I agree there. I actually think Alaska could be a contender. Unfortunately for her, having last season’s champion as her boyfriend is not in her favor.

Sashay: Well she better step into some stilettos and step up. However, I am glad Monica is gone. She couldn’t recite her lines even when she had them right in front of her? This bitch can’t read?

Chante: If Headmistress RuPaul has taught us anything, it’s that reading is fundamental… even reading of oneself.

Sashay: And another thing, how come Serena isn’t allowed to call Monica ghetto, but Monica can call herself ghetto? That is so ghetto.

Chante: Now, now Sahsay. Look who’s comin’ for Monica’s jugular this time around? Although you’re right. Monica Beverly Hillz was Beverly BUSTED.

Sashay: Moving on, are you Team Alyssa or Team Coco?

Chante: I’m going to have to go with Team Coco. Ms. Montrese serves up true drag realness.

Sashay: I think both queens are acting like a pair of jokers. If I’m on any team, it’s #TeamWhatIsWrongWithAlyssa’sFace?!

Chante: Yaaaassssss honey boo boo child! Girlfriend’s face is just atrocious.

Sashay: Seriously Alyssa, when you’re done talking girl, close your mouth so your brain don’t fall out. And why does she keep trying to make, “Get a grip, get a life, and get over it,” happen. It’s not going to happen girl.

Chante: Stop trying to make FETCH happen!

Sashay: She can fetch a bone cuz that queen is a dog. However, Coco lost all credibility with me when she said the Miss Gay America title almost cost her her relationship.

Chante: Oooh girl. It’s time to give our readers the T on Alyssa’s dethroning.

Sashay: Yes girl. Apparently, Miss Edwards missed some appearances, which was the reason for the crown being passed to Coco. Inside sources reveal that Coco may have e even been the one who snitched on her pal.

Chante: Escandolo! Well one thing the judges got right was the winner of this week’s challenge. Detox stole the show if you ask me. Her cock-tastic performance was spectacular.

Sashay: Agreed. Big cocks always win points with me too girl!

Chante: You ain’t neva told a lie! Can I get an amen up in here?

Sashay: Amen!

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