RuPaul’s Drag Race 5.8

Executive Director of PhillyGayCalendar

This week the queens designed their own scent and created a commercial to advertise it. Plus, who could forget the matching game using a slew of underwear clad hotties… Yum!

Sashay: Girl, we have some shit to talk about this week. But first, Milton Bradley needs to sell that matching game.

Chante: And every time you make a match, you can take a shot of Absolut.

Sashay: HalleRu. Can I get a #6 and Supersize it? And would all the tops please stand up?

Chante: Actually I’ll take a number 8.5, with a milkshake.

Sashay: Moving on… This challenge was odd. However, I couldn’t help but wonder what the queens would smell like in real life. Here are my thoughts:

Jinkx: Dorito breath and mothballs
Alyssa Edwards: paint fumes and Aqua Net
Coco: Cocoa butter and Afro Sheen
Alaska: A dead cat in bong water
Ivy Winters: Jinkx Monsoon
Detox: Cigarettes and semen
Roxxxy: Bacon

Chante: So basically you’re saying that Ivy smells like doritos and mothballs? I don’t know. I think I’d rather just do and smell like HEROIN.

Sashay: Let’s talk about Jinkx. Why the fuck was Michelle "smells like RuPaul’s ass because I’m always up in it" Visage complimenting Jinkx on her runway outfit? I am so sick of her old-fashioned roaring twenties flapper dresses and matronly fifties era polyester threads. When is she gonna do something modern and edgy? This ain’t RuPaul and Ted’s Excellent Adventure Back in Time Race!

Chante: Well, as usual, I’m going to have to go ahead and disagree with you Sashay. I think Jinkx is an original. Her style is unique, she’s funny and frankly bitch can call out a nap on command as need be…I mean when she’s bored of any particular queen, she can just go ahead and fall to sleep. Yes please.

Sashay: But what about when I’m bored of her? Anyway, can we talk about the judges? Who the hell was Joan of Ark? Secondly, Aubrey is a bug-eyed whore. Pull your tits up bitch, they’re sagging.

Chante: Yes, Ru needs to stop inviting her no name, F-list, POOR friends to be judges. Don’t nobody know who the hell those two bitches were…although Aubrey’s facial expressions were priceless.

Sashay: Agreed. Now, can we talk about Untucked? I think Coco was right to call Jinkx ugly, nuff said. However, what the fuck was Roxxxy talking about saying she should have won last week’s lip sync? Girl, Alyssa tore it up with moves Beyonce would steal. Meanwhile, you just stood there with your legs LOCKED in place like two tree stumps shaking the dandruff out of your hair and trying to make sure your fat ass didn’t fall over. Your double wig was fun, but also a little gimmicky. Plus, the tight pink sausage casing you wore this week was unpleasant. It’s pretty in pink, not piggy in pink. And you fucked up the shadowing on your nose. Real women have curves AND noses bitch!

Chante: 1. Coco can take her second place ass home. 2. Roxxxy did dominate last week huntey; Alyssa is just lucky Ru sent home two before. 3. Roxxxy’s double wig = the best moment of drag race history. 4. Thinking of Roxxxy’s outfit makes me crave a hot dog REAL BAD.

Sashay: Bitch was you watching the same lip sync I was? You need to go back and review. Roxxxy literally stood in one place like she was still waiting for that bus. Then Ivy Winters thinks it’s all about how well you know the words to the song. Obviously, that got her no where fast.

Dear Ivy,
You’re boring.

Chante: This week, I’mma have to tell you to sashay away, Sashay.

Sashay: Well, I’m ready to see Coco sashay away next. For someone who fought for years to get to where she is, she sure is just barely hanging on by a cheetah print thread.

Chante: Yes. I’ll be glad to see her go home. Who do you predict will be in the top three?

Sashay: Girl please, can we just give the crown to Detox?

Chante: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?!?!?

Sashay: AMEN!

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