I started out the 2014 FringeArts Festival by seeing dicks, abs, and acrobatics with Suspended by Brian Sanders' JUNK. Sound good, right? I love all three of these things, but melding the three into a single cogent performance may have been an impossible undertaking.

Let's start with the good. The show starts with 3 very hot and very naked men. And folks, I am talking about real dicks and real abs (though there is a funny bit with fake dicks later in the show.) And for those interested in the feminine physique the women of this permanence will not disappoint. Basically, everyone on that stage is smoking hot.

The performers' athleticism and memory for choreography was wildly impressive. I found the women to be excellent dancers, and I am sorry not to know their individual names, as some of their performances were great. The choice for using some alternative props was also interesting. An example is that the aerialist used a tube, rather than a rope or silk for his performance.

What didn't work for me? Nothing actually gelled in this performance. The entire show seemed to be a cross between Gunnar Montana's choreography and the Philadelphia School of Circus Arts, and as amazing as that sounds, it didn't work. I was never sure if I was in awe of the tube aerialist's performance or intrigued by the fact that the hanging tube might actually have been his penis (or was he screwing it, I'm not sure.)

Another routine was some pseudo-glass bottom boat action. If you do not know what a GBB is then you need to urban dictionary that immediately. (The more you know.) Thank any god that wants to receive it, that I was not chosen as one of the audience members to lie underneath the table for the chocolate pudding (presumably?) wrestling match that was happening on top of the table.

I didn't understand why there was a master of ceremony with a Gandolf staff and payots. If he was comedy relief, I didn't laugh. The problem with the show for me was a feeling of distraction I had during the entire performance. Every time the audience was about to be awed by a feat of dance or acrobatics, we were distracted by something incongruently erotic.

Maybe I am old fashion, but if I want to see 3 guys simulate bottoming for 3 women, don't add a bungee run element to it. It's distracting. Too much energy went into this performance trying to be edgy. Is nudity still edgy at a fringe festival, I doubt it. Is simulated scat wrestling edgy? Maybe, but the execution, just had me hoping nothing would get on my pants while seated in the crowd.

While I watched the show, I kept thinking about Paolo Sorrentino's The Great Beauty and that scene with the Marina Abramovic character. I am sure the artists behind this performance will assume I just didn't get it, but I cannot fathom how any explanation would enlighten me. So maybe I didn't get it, but if you want my recommendation I would pass on this one.

The $35 ticket included 2 beers; the beers were served slightly cooler than the very hot room. Admittedly, I hadn't known about the beers, so that was a pleasant surprise. However, the price is high for a show that lasts 45 minutes and the drinks aren't cold.

Yes, Suspended had elements that alone, entertain me to no end. Yet, they never came together to form a truly great show. I respect attempting to fuse these different art forms together, but it just didn't work.