Stop with the Facebook Statuses

Executive Director of PhillyGayCalendar

Yes, Facebook is a wonderful, useful, time-filling outlet that has embedded itself into our daily lives but, no, it doesn't mean everyone has mastered the art of a proper status. If you put out any of the following statuses, even once, you need to re-asses your life choices.

1. The Friend Dump
"Out with the old, if you're reading this, you made the cut!"

You don't tell me every time you take an actual dump, so why would you tell me when you dump your friends?

2. The Cliff Hanger
"Shit Happens" or "Why did I do that!?!?" or "I'm sad."

Clearly you're hoping one of your 1,000+ "friends" reaches out to console you, but next time you want to post a "cliff hanger" … grab a bottle of wine, and drink. It's what the rest of us do, you just don't know about it because we don't make it our facebook status.

3. The Shocker aka Comment Baiting
"Off to the Emergency Room" or "Car's Totaled"

While the "original" shocker might offer "double the pleasure," the shocker status is a blatant cry for attention, as if getting likes and comments is going to make you feel better.

4. Throwing Shade
"I can see you opened my Snapchat, hoe needs to respond, damn." Or "Smh why are you talking about me behind my back, my face is right here." Or "Oh, so you think you can just take my virginity, dog and wine key?"

You do know that Facebook isn't a burn book right? This is a waste of my news feed.

5. The Overly Hashtagged Status
"Going to Tavern on Camac! #bar #club #gay #gaysthatdrink #drinking #getturnt #turndownforwhat #makeitadouble #thebestihaveeverfeltinmylife"

Hashtags are cool when used appropriately. But smacking 6+ hashtags. No one likes to try and pick out the words in a hashtag to figure out what it says. WhatifIwroteallmysentenceslikethisnowyouknowhowifeel. Either make a hashtag relevant, or ironic, but pick one… MAYBE two.

6. The play by play Update
"At Olive Garden"or "Just Crossed the Street" or "Reading at Reading Terminal Market"

YOU are boring. If you can tell me What the actual point of this is… I might allow it. Who are you talking to? There is a reason nobody liked this status.

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