The Top 10(ish) Reasons to See Heathers the Musical

Executive Director of PhillyGayCalendar

1. The show gives you a much needed-release from your everyday life. You know, without release, there's a build-up of pressure and it really hurts. THAT'S SCIENCE.  –  Loulu Luzi (Veronica)

2. Coming to our show is like getting free pussy. And you don't even have to buy it a pizza.  –  Hannah Gaffney (Heather Chandler)

3. I'm going to be coughing up drain cleaner for an eternity.  – Lindsay Mauck (Pauline Fleming/Veronica’s Mom)

4. Where we're all damaged, we're all frightened, we're all freaks, BUT THAT'S ALRIGHT. – Loulu Luzi (Veronica)

5. [The show] is bigger than John Lennon. – Hanna Gaffney (Heather Chandler)

5. Because not coming to "Heathers: the Musical" is like fucking yourself with a chainsaw. – Eric Gibson (Director of Heathers the Musical)

6. This is a lyric – "Step into our candy store! We have bombs, bitches and blue balls!" – Sarah Moya (Heather Duke)

7. I mean we're f@&$ing on stage….need we say more? – Nate Golden (JD)

7.1 We're Fucking on stage while belting our faces off – Loulu Luzi (Veronica)

8. Spending thousands on therapy? Tired of feeling depressed, low self-worth? Well it turns out the best therapy around is "HEATHERS: The Musical." Realize your teenage angst wasn't just your bullshit, it was everyone's bullshit. Before you attend "Heathers," rummage through your high school yearbook and place a real name to Heather, Heather, Heather, Ram, Kurt and others and work out the pain by "killing" their pansy asses with Drain-O, guns, and brilliant suicide notes humiliating them long after death. Try it, it works. 

(Disclaimer: Heathers, The Musical is not responsible for the bodily harm brought on by audience members to other audience members due to immediate visceral reaction to said musical. "Heathers: the Musical," cannot protect people in the surrounding states you may have gone to high school with, for 24 hours after viewing the show. This non-responsibility for death is extended for 72-hours for out-of-state assholes. "Heathers," is not responsible if you cannot find proper Ich luge bullets and accidentally kill with real bullets, or if you actually O.D. on pills using non-child-proof caps. )  … Oh, and what Nate said, they're fucking on stage.  –  Eric Gibson (Director of Heathers)

9. The musical is so much more than just a source of hand jobs – Leah Holleran (Swing and Ensemble)

10. You don't like musicals but do you like getting laid? Because that's what seeing "Heathers" will get you if you bring that special someone. Sex, scrunchies, shoulder pads, scandal and screlting…what better foreplay is there? Loulu Luzi (Veronica)

11. You’ll learn it’s better to just hang with the nice fat girl  – Lindsay Ronaldson (Martha Dunnstock)

"Heathers: The Musical" runs from July 31st to August 16th, you can standby for my review, or take a leap of faith and snag your tickets before they sell out here!



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