A Woke Jawn’s Guide to Winning a Wet T-Shirt Contest.

Executive Director of PhillyGayCalendar
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Fame Neal

Fame Neal is the Founder of Lezcronymz Productions, an LGBTQ, Womxns event curator and media source. Pro-Sex Work, Pro-Cannabis, & Pro-Pleasure. Master of corporate meets queer.

The first time I had seen anything close to a Wet T-Shirt contest was on a late night Girls Gone Wild commercial. I was about 14 years old and still learning about my place in society as a woman. The women on TV seemed to know theirs: the open end of a champagne bottle. They didn’t seem to care about getting wet or about doing it on camera for that matter (although we later learned some of those women didn’t consent to their image being sold for profit on after hours TV). It was a man’s world and damnit they were going to wet some titties for your DVD pleasure whether the “civil” part of our society liked it or not. Truth-be-told my 14 year old gay ass LOVED IT. Even up until this very moment titties brighten my day like a newborn baby being reunited with its mother after an 8-hour work shift.

CISGENDER: denoting or relating to a person whose sense of personal identity and gender corresponds with their birth sex.

Nevertheless, this was one of my early examples of how white, overly Cisgender men interacted with seemingly drunk women after hours when their girlfriends (later coined wifey-material) weren’t around. The man vs. heaux vs. housewife dynamic. Although, I wasn’t always sure which one was the heaux from the TV looking in.

WIFEY: A phrase often used to describe a girl whom you feel possesses certain qualities that qualifies her to be a model wife for you.

I was brought up being told there were two types of women in this world: heauxs and housewives. Heauxs got fucked and housewives—they seemed to cook and clean a lot but never have the time or energy for a good ol dick-me-down. They seemed miserable and uncommitted to themselves or their own sexual needs. I’m not saying this was the case but this is how the dynamic was portrayed in television. So to be a heaux or to be a housewife in this world of binary womanhood?

Deal With Your Internalized Whorephobia.

Let’s go back to where I referenced my place in society as a woman. We’re all too familiar with the traditional, gender-based roles that plague our individual existence. This concept became increasingly primitive after subsequently unlearning years of what I now understand as whorephobia.

WHOREPHOBIA: the expression of underlying or direct discomfort with sex or sexual expression, generally directed towards Sex Workers, Sexually Active People, or more commonly Women who may or may not be sexually active.

Whorephobia runs especially rampant in relation to Black Women who have been overly sexualized in American culture. In Black is the New Boudoir we discussed Black women’s journeys and relationships with their sexual beings and physical bodies.

“Historically, POC have been hyper-sexualized in mainstream media in a way that renders many of us overwhelmingly cognizant of our sexuality and others’ perception of it.”

As women become more sexually empowered and less concerned with a patriarchal society’s views on their expression of their sexuality, things like Wet T-Shirt Contests can be in every respectable woman’s future. Needless to say, it’s the protection of women that needs to catch up. While certain states are slowly approving Topless Laws they still lack protections for sex workers and therefore continue to perpetuate violence against women. LGBTQ Safe spaces to party like SWEAT 2021 are critical when it comes to validating sexuality and gender. When you feel safe, loved, and protected you’re more likely to let your freaq flag fly high.

Cleanse Yourself of the Notion that Your Own Sexuality Should be Suppressed in Order to Combat the Patriarchy.

Denial of one’s own sexual needs can lead to blindness and numbness in your—just fucking with ya. However, studies do show that the information we encounter regarding sexuality early on can either lead to sexual empowerment or sexual repression. Repression happens in response to restrictive ideas or attitudes about sex or sexual expression. Our early caregivers, religion, the patriarchal society we all love, or your prude/vanilla ex are all critical influences in ones sexual development. Sexual Repression can lead to reluctance to act on sexual desires, sex-related fear and anxiety, guilt associated with sexual desires, and harsh self-judgment of sexual thoughts. FUCK THAT. What do YOU want.

Patriarchal masculinities is a term that can be used to describe those ideas about and practices of masculinity that emphasize the superiority of masculinity over femininity and the authority of men over women. Ideas about and practices of patriarchal masculinities maintain gender inequalities.

Learn to Love the Exhibitionist in You.

Bitch you is beautiful and if it empowers and enlivens you when others enjoy your body and expression of sexuality: shake dem tiddies. What makes you feel alive? What empowers the Goddess in you? What allows you to overtly show the sides of you that you’re forced to suppress. Bish you WOKE now: Shake dem tittays!

Practical Tips for Tits (During the Contest)

Wear a T-Shirt. Graphic Tees are okay but for the full visual effect be sure that your nipples will be visible after your shirt endures a lucrative liquid splash.

Tell the DJ to Play your Muh’fkn Song. There’s nothing like fucking up the contest to that one song that get’s you HYPE AF. Need some ideas? Here’s the Official SWEAT 2021 Summer Dance Mix by Deluxx the OG. FUCK. IT. UP.

Get Creative. Can you hoola-hoop while being doused with water? Can you hoola-hoop and twerk? Bish you TALENTED. Bring your gawd-given talents to the stage, I’m tryna see something.

Get a Water Hypeman. At SWEAT 2021 you wont need any but feel free to invite your friends on stage to help with the visuals. What are the homies here for anyway?

Have a Drink or Three—and a designated driver. More Drinks=More Creativity. It’s science.

Nipple Rings Rule. Who doesn’t enjoy bedazzled boobies? Wet T-Shirt Contests are the perfect place to show them off.

All Tiddies Matter. All sizes, old and new, If I can take off my top so can you! (Somebody hit up the Dr. Seuss franchise ASAP that rhyme GOES!).

Confidence Takes the Titty cake. Winning Wet T-Shirt Contests isn’t about having the biggest tiddies in the party. It’s about confidence and having fun NO MATTER YOUR BODY TYPE. If you can get the crowd worked up, you’re in there. At SWEAT 2021 all body types and GENDERS are encouraged to join in the fun. LEGGO!

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