Saltburn, a catalogue of heterosexual depravity

Although retired since 2014, I still relish opportunities to teach, write, and share opinions.
Amazon/MGM Studios present Saltburn, a film written, directed, and produced by Emerald Fennell. After a few theatrical releases here and abroad, it streamed December 22, and continues on Amazon Prime. It has become hugely popular as an eccentrically sexy drama/dark comedy. Some say it is informed by The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999). Personally, I find the film resembles the works of Director Peter Greenaway. His The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, Her Lover (1989), and A Zed and Two Noughts (1985). One might also find a dark thread of comedy and a sense of the absurd as created in the oeuvre of John Waters.
Cinematographer Linus Sandgren achieved brilliant effect under a variety of challenging scenes. 
The plot in short order begins in 2006, when an awkward newcomer (Barry Keoghan’s Oliver Quick) arrives at Oxford University, and is out of the loop socially and academically until he meets the charismatic and achingly beautiful Felix Catton (a breathtakingly tall and beautiful Jacob Elordi) Through a series of events, the two bond, eventually resulting in Felix inviting Oliver to his ancestral seat for the summer. Oliver, however, meets the one student who was worst to him, a really spiteful cunt face named Farleigh Start (brilliantly played with sticky malevolence by Archie Madekwe), who is also spending the summer at Saltburn. Oddballs and eccentrics among the Cattons abound, with the suspiciously enigmatic pussy-twat butler expertly played by Paul Rhys adding extra spice.
A warning must be hereby placed: spoilers will abound from now on.
Unless you stylish LGBTQ folk have intentionally avoided mention of Saltburn, you must have heard about the delicious bathtub scene. The critics love to trash it. However, dear reader, that’s only one of the outrageous kink scenes in the film. Here’s the setup. Felix and Oliver share a bathroom. Oliver hears groans and moans of guttural pleasure from the bathroom. Being a curious and horny chap, he notices that the door has been left ajar. It is enough to watch Felix luxuriously stroking his phallus while bathing. Eventually, this wild abandon results in an unseen ejaculation. Rising from his bath, like Venus, Felix pulls the plug in the drain and leaves. Oscar walks into the bathtub and licks the remaining semen collected along the drain. Next!
Oscar is strolling shirtless through the high grass of Saltburn Palace one sunny day. He encounters Felix, Farleigh bitch, and the two ladies Venetia and Pamela, who call out that clothes are not allowed. Oliver, incessantly moody, perks up, eschews his shorts, and happily wags his way toward their cheers and appreciative glances at his waving manhood.
All is well for weeks until Felix drives Oliver somewhere for a surprise. And a surprise it is, because Oliver has lied about his parents. They are not insane drug addicts, but ordinary upper-middle-class Brits. Felix is crushed, and declares Oscar must leave, but not after a gala birthday party/orgy for Oscar. 
Events swiftly sour, Oscar makes a bold move on Felix, and is rebuffed at the height of revelry. Felix is later found dead, Farleigh is blamed and banished, Lady Catton needs Oscar, while her husband Sir James asks how much to leave and never return. The large staff awaits outside to mock Oliver’s leaving. 
Oh, wait, we skipped some hotness. Oliver encounters Venetia, Felix’s sister in the garden one night while he is still in good graces. Being the horndog that he is, he starts fingering her, being told it’s her time of the month. This does not stop Oliver. He removes gobs of vaginal fluid and blood clots from her and into his mouth and hers. Straight people are born this way; do not judge them too harshly. Another night Oliver jumps onto a sleeping Farleigh, and proceeds to grab and stroke his penis, pull at his balls, and then finger his anus. The best is yet to come (Pun?). Go back to Felix’s grave immediately after Felix’s funeral (in the palace’s private chapel, of course). Oliver stands on the muddy gravesite, crying. He removes his clothes and fornicates naked with Felix’s muddy grave. 
Years pass. It is now 2022, Oliver looks hot, and Lady Catton falls for him since she is now a widow. In a twinkling of an eye, we see Oliver wheeling a vegetative Lady Catton about Saltburn. Has she married him, or adopted him? He is the heir to the millions of pounds and Saltburn. Oliver triumphantly tells her that he engineered everything, from meeting Felix, and on and on, as he pulls off her sheet in bed, exposing her nakedness to be used and licked while Oliver murders her by graphically pulling out her life-support tubes.
This heterosexual Candide proceeds to do a victory dance about the mansion, nude, and looking quite tasty, I might add, his well-proportioned penis is frequently whipped about. The End.
Will Mr. Barry Keoghan win his Golden Globe Award for Best Actor? If there is a god in Heaven, definitely! This article is being written before the event, and we wish him every luck. He deserves to win for at least all of his nudity, as well as being a good actor and hot tamale.

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