Tim, Age 18

Executive Director of PhillyGayCalendar

i thought i was completely unattractive and no one would ever want to date me…i was really miserable. i knew almost no other gay guys…

well, there was this one guy paul, he was in my math class. the guy was SO GAY 🙂 he was one of those guys who doesn’t even need to come out to people, everyone just knew. he was the only other gay person i knew, and i was really lonely and just wanted to be around somebody who would understand me.

paul wasn’t a nice guy at all…he wasn’t really even very attractive, but like i said i was lonely. we started *messing around* but it really wasn’t a relationship. he was really selfish… i never got anything out of it, if you know what i mean 😉 plus, we would never hang out together, never talked…he made it really clear we were just *messing around* and NOTHING more.

thinking about it now, i guess i was only with him cause i didn’t think i had any other options!! and, i hate to admit it, but i was a little jealous of how he was out to everyone. he still got picked on but he fought back. he would curse people out and stuff. he didn’t care what anyone else thought…i was just thinking to myself, why can’t i have that same thing???

well, it sounds really messed up, but the best thing i got out of the whole experience was that he went behind my back and told like 20 people i was gay. ok, it didn’t sound great at the time. i was TERRIFIED. this was right before the summer of my 9th grade year and i thought i’d have to change schools or something.

but honestly, once everyone knew i was gay and i admitted it i heard a lot LESS teasing. it’s like, no one wanted to call me a faggot if i was just gonna be like, *yeah, i know this…what else?*

every once in a while someone will still be ignorant and want to say something, but now i have a whole bunch of people who will be like, you know, *he’s our friend, don’t be an ass*…i actually have a lot more friends NOW than before i came out. once i didn’t have to hide who i was anymore, i really started opening up to people and they responded.

well i was single for most of 11th grade, then right at the beginning of last year i met my boyfriend sean.

sean’s awesome. he’s just really sweet, he has a really good heart…there’s just a lot of stuff about him that’s very cute, very him. he shows me so much attention…tells me every day that he cares about me and he’s grateful that he has me.

we spend a lot of time watching tv, we go out to dinner, he likes to go on walks, we just have the best time together. he’s not just someone i *mess around* with, he’s a best friend and a boyfriend at the same time.

i’m telling you this cause i know how frustrating it is to be in the closet. i don’t know if it’ll help at all, but my only advice is that NOTHING is really as bad as it seems. you feel like it’s the end of the world but it’s really more like the first day of the rest of your life…

if you’re not comfortable coming out to everyone yet, just find that one person you know you can trust. that person you would tell any other secret to. even if you’re not ready to be out to anyone else yet, just having that one friend know might be a big help.

i know it’s hard to imagine now, but you’re NOT THE ONLY GAY KID OUT THERE!!!! you’re gonna start meeting people who are more open-minded, and you’re gonna start seeing that there are a lot of places you can go where you don’t have to hide who you really are. you know all those things about yourself you think you have to hide? there are people out there who will LOVE you for those things, not judge you for them.

until then, hang in there, and DON’T settle for guys who just want to *mess around* and not treat you well. you deserve so much more than that!!!

Tim, 18

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