Oh, my deal little lambs, this is one article you must read. Live it, learn it, and Love it! Because, honey, drama is EVERYWHERE. Like TNT – We know DRAMA! We all know a drama queen or two, and let’s face it, you know your friends think you ARE the drama queen of the group. But, are our lives doomed for an ever-repeating after-school special? Is Meredith Baxter-Birney a permanent fixture in our life?

So here are some tips to help you AVOID drama:

1. Stop seeking drama – You know you hear it all the time (and hopefully not from your own mouth) – “I don’t have any drama, drama just finds me!” This little homo mantra helps keep the boys delusional long enough for Happy Hour to end. Honey, drama never finds anyone. We seek it. It might not be as obvious as when we are seeing a cute boy dancing on the pole of Woody’s new dance floor, but we do it. We make friends with the people we do, go to the place we go, and involve ourselves in the situations we do for a reason. We crave drama. Maybe your cable is out, or your Netflix is late, but for whatever reason, we seek out drama in the real world. How do we STOP seeking it? Read on little grasshoppers!
2. Let the PGN spread the news – Oh, did you hear who was hooking up in the bathroom at Bump? Well, if you did, keep it to yourself! Funny how no one likes to be gossiped about, but everyone likes to gossip. While it might make you feel smart or informed or the center of attention while all the boys listen to you like E.F. Hutton, it’s really a selfish thing to do. Are you trying to be helpful by telling everyone your friend hooked up with that dirty boy from the end of the bar, or are you trying to get attention for yourself? Now, Miss Information needs to take an aside here children. There is a fine line between gossip and being a supportive friend. Gossip is malicious, unhelpful, and selfish and usually ends with a smile and a laugh. Helping is more sincere. For example:
   1. • HELPING: Did you hear, Billy hooked up with that bartender? That’s really unlike him and I’m concerned he wasn’t making a good decision.
      • GOSSIP: Girl, he banged him right in the back room…and with that ugly bartender. DIRTY! I mean fewer men went down on the Titanic. <insert queeny catcalls here>
3. Vodka is not an excuse – Okay kids, let’s face it. We all like to drink. Why Miss Information herself can pound back a few dirties after a long day. And after one or two or seven martini’s Miss Information can turn into Miss Bitch. And some of you can too…and you know who you are! Drinking makes us do things we might not normally do. Things we often regret the next day. Or sometimes just being a real bitch to our friends. If this is the case, queenly etiquette dictates we apologize to those we have wronged. But this rarely happens. More often then not, we hear “Oh, but I was drunk…whatever!” Since when does vodka give us a license to do anything we want with no consequences? If you do something drunk, you should be held to the same accountability as if you did it sober. And if you can’t handle see number #4
4. Hold your Liquor – With open bars and $2 pink drinks, and that cute bartender buying you shots all night, it’s hard to turn down liquor. So go out and enjoy it! But everything in moderation. After about 2-3 drinks we start to change. Oh, girl, you know you have a Ms. Hyde in you bustin’ to get out! If you are one of those sappy lovey drunk s, it might be funny to watch you knock a few back, but if you are (like many of you) those loud, obnoxious drunks, then you are going to lose more friends then Manhunt can help you make. It’s frightening how many people try and avoid you when you are like that and you don’t even know it. Here’s a challenge – go out to the bars, but don’t drink all night. Stay sober right through until closing. You will notice two things: 1) very few people are drunk – you just assumed everyone was, since you are always drunk and 2) those that are drunk are complete assholes and are being avoided and laughed at by most everyone else. And here you thought they were laughing WITH you!
5. You are NOT hot – Oh my little lambs, Miss Information loves each and every one of you, and it pains me to say this, but it needs to be said. You are adorable, and lovable, but you are nowhere near hot enough to act better than anyone else in Philly. Of course, many of you THINK you are. While I am all about self esteem, the way you gain self esteem is to raise yourself up…not tear other’s down. Now you may get more attention then most for superficial reasons, but that’s all they are….superficial. Don’t interpret shallow comments from empty people to mean you are better then anyone else. And don’t waste your time or ours trying to make us feel smaller next to you.
6. Don’t Be Cruel – Oh children , it’s the oldest trick in the book. We have been doing it since we were little on the playground. Putting someone else down makes us feel better about ourselves. The problem is, we were supposed to out grow this in third grade. But you go out and you see grown men, in their 30’s still being nasty to other people, their friends, and even total strangers just to make themselves feel a little better . Homo please! You are the only one that feels this way, the rest of world feels sorry for you. Are you still trying to impress your friends with this attitude? If so, maybe it’s time for better friends.
7. He’s got a boyfriend – Now don’t worry, my little dears, I will give you a whole dating column some other time. But for now I wanted to give you this little tip. NEVER date a boy that has a boyfriend. Oh, don’t give me your excuses, Miss Information sees right through them! “But I was drunk.” – see rule #3. “But he hit on me.” Miss Information doesn’t care, two wrongs don’t make a right. “No on will find out.” Of course they will, silly little girl, see rule #2. “He’s in an open relationship.” That’s another way of saying he doesn’t want to date his current boyfriend but is too scared to tell him (and don’t worry, I’ll talk more about this in my dating column). The rule is – If he will cheat WITH you, he will cheat ON you! It’s not worth it and deep down inside you know it.
8. Call the Cops – We all know drama when we see it. We all know bad and inexcusable behavior when it slaps us in the face. Then why don’t we do anything about it. We have been so trained to accept this as normal, and as long we do, it will never end. So call your friends on it! When your friend starts to tell an embarrassing story of someone else, stop him . It ain’t nobody’s business. If he orders one too many drinks, step in and get him a water, because no one wants to hold his hair tonight! If he starts being rude to someone for no reason, snap those fingers because that is unladylike. And if he starts trying to hit on a boy that has a boyfriend with that tired old line “He has the boyfriend, he’d be cheating, and not me, so it’s okay ,” you remind him of HIS ex that cheated on him. Until we start pulling he choke collar on some of these boys they will never learn , and the drama will keep on going. You may get dirty looks at first, or even lose a friend or two, but in the long run, it will be better for you…and the community.

Ladies, let’s remember we are all in this together. When it comes to fighting the big nasty wolves out there, we band together as a community and crush those evil bastards (*cough* Bush *cough*). But then we go right back to fighting amongst ourselves and write it off as just simple Drama. Well no more!

I’m giving you all an assignment – it’s a requirement:

• Go out and compliment a stranger in a bar! Something as simple as “I really like your shirt.” It can go a long way.
• Tell your friend what a good person they are. You’d be surprised how little we tell those we appreciate what they mean to us.
• END DRAMA – Don’t make me start a telethon; you know I will!