I learned in therapy that it’s all about control. I was always a social outcast and high school is such an awkward time as it is. Dealing with the idea that I was gay and being overweight, amongst everything else really stressed me out. To deal with my anxiety I would starve myself and work out constantly because that was one thing I knew I could control.

I began to get really nauseous all the time because all I was eating was like yogurt and an apple a day. There was blood in my stool from not eating and it became difficult for me to even get out of bed. My parents were really concerned and that’s how I ended up in outpatient therapy.

By the end of high school I had returned to a "healthy" weight. I don’t believe you ever really get over an eating disorder and I constantly have to be careful, because even today when I get stressed out I start unconsciously dieting and paying more attention to what I am eating.

After graduating, I ended up getting a job as a nanny for a family in Media. One problem was that I was severely lacking in social skills when it came to meeting new people or dating. I mean no one wanted to hear about me changing diapers all day. I couldn’t really relate to anyone because I was constantly around children. So while most other gay guys my age were going out meeting new people and dating, I was staying in and feeling lonely.

I knew I had to move on and eventually I went back to school for design. I was in school when I met my first serious boyfriend online and after a year of dating him we were living together. He is a personal trainer and was in med school to be a doctor. The best part about him was that he didn’t care how much weight I gained. He always made sure that I was training properly and eating healthy. We fought over typical stuff like money, but on the whole I thought everything was fine. I was convinced that this was it and I would be with him forever. Eventually I found out that he had dropped out of school and while I thought he was at class he was really at his mother’s place in Delaware. While he was out there he met another guy and apparently the grass was greener with him, so he told me that things weren’t working and he wanted to break up.

I was devastated to say the least because it came out of nowhere. I became severely depressed. I started not eating again and basically completely shut down. A good year of my life I don’t really remember because all I did was drink and do drugs and go out and sleep around. It was like I was constantly blacked out. I guess I figured that that was the time to play catch up for not doing all of those crazy things when I was younger. I remember feeling the same way I felt in high school, like I was powerless and had no control over my life. I mean the combination of the eating disorder and low self-esteem with the lack of experience dating or being very social totally made it impossible to deal and cope with the sudden break up.

I couldn’t find work in the design field because the economy was so bad, so I ended up getting a job at a gay restaurant in Center City. I made a lot of new friends and started going out with the people I worked with so I knew I couldn’t make a complete ass of myself while I was out. They were great because they seemed to really care about my well-being. If I were too drunk to make a coherent decision they wouldn’t let me go home with someone or put myself in a potentially dangerous situation, even if they had to throw me over their shoulders

I have definitely learned that I am a lot more open to do risky things if I am under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Now I try and avoid putting myself in a situation where I am fucked up and may end up making a bad decision. One thing my friends and I do is to make sure we all leave a bar together. No matter what, somebody just has to stay composed enough to make sure we all get home. There are definitely times when you have to be more cautious, especially if you are hanging out with people you know nothing about. I used to go out alone before and now I never go out alone.

At this point I think it is safe to say that I am in a much better place. I am totally over my ex and feel like I have regained control over my life. I decided to go back to school for Nutrition. I figured it would be more meaningful and worthwhile for me. I want to be able to help people who are struggling like I did.

Counseling can help you cope with an eating disorder and it is an important way to regain a sense of control over your life. Counseling and information about eating disorders can be found by contacting,

Mazzoni Center Open Door Counseling Center
Philadelphia, PA 19107
(215) 563-0652
www.mazzonicenter.org