There’s a conspiracy happening in the gayborhood. It’s a conspiracy to fatten up the gays!  They’ve put 10 – that’s right 10 dessert centric eateries in a 6 square block radius!  12th Street to Juniper / Chestnut to Locust!  I mean how else can you explain it?  "Designer Dessert Boutiques" in the "gayborhood"!  Using our own good tastes and love of things that taste good to seduce us!  Thinking that our self-esteem is directly tied to our body image, they’ve filled our gayborhood with some of the best dessert boutiques to fatten us up, thinking it will lower our self-esteem.  Jokes on them!  We can love the finer things and still look FINE… OKAYYYYYYY!

First they gave us More Than Just Ice Cream, which was sneaky.  The name is as covert as the conspiracy – they told us – We’re MORE than just ice cream – so come in gays, have yourself a salad, HOLD THE CRUOTONS!  No ice cream? Don’t worry.  You know some of us gave in and had the ice cream, or apple pie or that famous peanut butter pie, so creamy, so smooth, so delicious that with one bite your eyes roll back in your head as you discover the meaning of true ecstasy……… or so I’ve been told. 

Next they added Capogiro, when they saw peanut butter pie related convulsions at More Than Just Ice Cream, they knew they were on to something.  20 flavors of artisan gelato some as exotic as avocado, olive oil, French lavender, and sweet milk.  That’s it, the gays love anything "exotic".  They watched as we lined up taste testing on balmy summer evenings.  How were we able to wear such tight tank tops and eat these high fat foods?  They couldn’t beat us. 

The lesbian power couple of 13th street watched the spectacle at Capogiro.  Suddenly a new eatery opened at the corner of 13th and Chestnut – Grocery.   It was disguised it as a take out food bar offering some amazing freshly prepared foods for a gourmet quality dinner at home, the lesbians knew the gays would love gourmet food to go – it’s textbook!  However, the real temptation begins the moment you enter: cupcakes, cookies and an assortment of candy, taunting us!  Daring us, "Can you eat just one mint malted milk ball?"  You know gays love to put balls in their mouths?!  How cruel!

The assault continued, no longer needing to hide, they gave us Naked Chocolate.  In broad daylight!  I mean really? Nudity!  They knew they had us right there!  The intrigue of something as exotic as hand made chocolate, the anticipation of the raw, unadulterated sensuality of hot chocolate on a cold Philadelphia night?  They had us, especially since we were able to hide the few extra pounds under a bulky winter sweater. 

Then corporate America got involved and put an IHOP right in the center of it all?  Oh you disagree?  Their most famous menu item is the Rooty Tooty Fresh N’ Fruity!  Um, I think that kinda says it all!   Their commercials depict big burly straight men, so shame filled, they need disguises to order this decadent, mouth watering, whipped cream filled fantasy!  Oh, they were now playing dirty! 

Next they painted the corner store on 12th and Chestnut pink, filling it with fixtures from a Victoria’s Secret store.  Prominently featuring a drag queen in the window!  They started selling these little tiny works of art at Philly Cupcake – cupcakes so good; you actually loose the ability to see for seconds at a time when you eat them.  Flavors so unique  like Twix candy bar cupcakes.  The attacks grew more intense. 

Then after they saw how we began eating up those cupcakes Flying Monkey of Reading Terminal fame opened a 2nd location just 4 blocks away, right in the gayborhood.  Yes, fattening up the gays!!!  They also decided to expand the store adding a beautiful room for the gays to sit and eat more cupcakes!  They will stop at nothing!  They know the gays want a beautiful, open airy esthetic! 

Then the yogurt shops attacked!  First on the scene was Tutti Frutti and Small Oven Bakery, I mean really?  Come on.  Tutti Fruitti?  They offer10 flavors a day some are "fat free" AND "sugar free"!  But that’s a trap; you know you’re going to get one of their amazing pastries – also known as – a choux (pronounced shoe).  Pasties named after accessories?  Where will it end?  Now, they’re involving something sacred – FASHION!  They just knew we’d be powerless over these light flakey pastries filled with rich, velvety cream filling.  They were right!  

Then came City Yogurt and Sweet Endings.  Sweet Endings – staying open until 2 AM on Fridays and Saturdays.  How blatant!  You know the gays are going to come out of the bars at 2 am, inhibitions lowered from imbibing that evening, a little tired from the hour or so of cardio they just did dancing to the latest GAGA mix – hungry and a little tipsy.  They’re going to replenish on yogurt by the ounce at Sweet Endings! 

Well, I’m here to tell you it won’t work.  We gays have evolved; you won’t break us down.  Yes, we will eat these desserts; some of us will do extra cardio if we’ve had too much gelato.  Perhaps laying off all carbs for a solid week, or having a Muscle Milk Protein Shake for lunch 3 times the next week so the fitted T’s will still fit in the most flattering manner!   Others will welcome the new millennium with a new attitude, embracing our love handles, loving our muffin tops, relishing the middle aged spread!  We will raise our cupcake filled fists and push forward the gay agenda!  We long to live the American dream, settle down, get married and then get a little somthin’ somthin’ sweet from time to time.  Either way we will win!  You can bet your last cupcake on that!