The Post-Rapture Guide for the End Times Ahead

If you’re reading this, I have some news for you. You haven’t been Raptured. I know. I’m as surprised as you are. I was all set to ditch my pudgy corporeal form and get whisked up to heaven in an incorruptible, and presumably toned, body, to spend the rest of eternity chugging mimosas and learning to play rock songs on the harp. Alas, we were not the chosen ones, and now we’re stuck here to face the storms, earthquakes, hurricanes, and whatever other geologic activity and weather patterns that once represented natural phenomena but are now gleaming signposts of the approaching apocalypse.