How To Tell If You’re A Doormat, or, GetItTogether.com!

Executive Director of PhillyGayCalendar


Chivalry may not be dead, but it sure can be a nice shield to hide behind to avoid confronting problems with our romantic and sexual partners.  I, for one, get downright pissed off when I see some of my colleagues and friends, many of whom are utterly intelligent and smart, ignore the signs that they are being played; they might as well tattoo “Wipe Your Feet On Me, Hunty!” on their foreheads.

We’ve all been there; we’ve met the latest fling or boyfriend of a friend and within five minutes, we think to ourselves, “What fresh hell is this?  No, seriously, WTF?”  Sometimes the awkwardness in a pairing radiates stronger than we’d like to believe.  So much of our desire stems from the need for companionship—it is a noble, human need.  The problem occurs when that companionship is simply emotional desperateness, a type of self-humiliation almost.  We need a strong connection to our own sense of self in order to thrive, to say “TIME OUT” when things aren’t right.

And I’m not just talking about romantic relationships, either.  This sort of thing happens on a much similar scale with friendships; we tend to self-sabotage ourselves by ignoring signs that certain camaraderie is unhealthy or downright draining.  When there’s more drama in a friendship than on an episode of Braxton Family Values, perhaps we should take Tamar’s advice: it’s overthetop.com.

With that said, here are three sure-fire signs that perhaps you should double check to ensure that tattoo I spoke of earlier isn’t inked on your forehead:

1.           Everyone else seems to know…but you.  Your friends, family, and even co-workers tend to notice that something is strange between you and your partner.  Perhaps a brave soul even confronts you about what he or she is noticing between you and your significant other, yet you ignore it.  If others are picking up on cues that bad energy is coming off of your relationship, chances are, those bad vibes are very much “for real.”

2.           You selectively choose what you want to believe.  We cherry pick information to suit our needs on a daily basis.  The problem comes when we selectively ignore traits, behaviors, and signs that our partners/friends give us that indicate that there is a problem.  Look at the whole picture.  If there are issues, feel empowered enough as an individual to confront them and expect positive behavioral change.  If not, it’s time to move on.

3.           There are textbook patterns, yet you ignore them.  Communication between you and your significant other seems to be manic—lots of flattery one moment, ignoring the next.  There are certain days and times when you can’t seem to get a hold of him or her.  Your sex life is lackluster.  These are all clear indicators that that there is a major problem.  If your gut is screaming, don’t disregard the signs.

Loving yourself is first and foremost; a romantic partner, or any partner, for that matter, can only really be successful if you’ve established your own self-respect.  Have a spine: fear, obligation, or loneliness are, obviously, not the reasons to be dating or be in any type of relationship with someone.   Being played is, by far, a humiliating experience that is the opposite of self-love.  Rock on with your bad self, or, in Tamar’s words, getittogether.com.

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