The Mirror: The Real Problem with Grindr, Jack’d, and Fast Food Dating

Executive Director of PhillyGayCalendar

Most relationships seem fickle in today’s society.

When you take into account the number of guys who use Smart Phone dating apps, like Scruff or Jack’d, to “Hang Out” (aka Fuck) and the divorce rate with people who are currently on their second or third marriage, one must wonder: does love even exist anymore?

Naturally there is the kind of love we’re born into, like the love of our families and the love of our friends, which develops over time. But when it comes to relationships, it seems like more people like to take the fast food approach towards love.

They want the instant gratification of knowing there’s someone there to cuddle, kiss or have sex with but tend to distance themselves when things become a little too deep and involved. Conversely, there’s also the cycle of chasing the man who doesn’t want you because he’s chasing after a man who doesn’t want him.

If you’ve ever used one of the aforementioned apps, or any “Dating” (aka Fuck) website, then you’re familiar with the layout. There are hundreds of photos of men showcasing their best poses, smiles and body parts to compete for your attention. Then, instantly following these photos comes The Disclaimer. It’s a laundry list of demands used to stop Mr. Wrong dead in his tracks:

No fats, fems, blacks, whites, Asians, short guys, gym rats, guys with tats or piercings or guys without cars.

When the person who owns the profile gives a brief description of who they are it’s presented in a manner where they’re virtually flawless:

I’m an educated, funny, smart, nice, sweet, down to earth, fun loving, regular guy who works out five times a week and loves puppies, hugs, ice cream and great sex.

It would appear that the flaw comes in when you eliminate a lot of potentially great guys based off of your description of a perfect man that doesn’t exist. Is it possible to find the type of man you want? I believe it is. But if you solely base it on physicality then you shouldn’t be surprised when the perfectly handsome guy of your dreams turns out to be a jerk or a hoe, or, even worse, a commitment-phobe.

A true relationship isn’t based solely on looks because if that’s all you have to go off of you’re not going to make it through the rough storms of life together. His looks will change and yours will too.

And though I know the trend is moving towards fast, quick samplings of all the men out there, being together for three months does not constitute a real relationship. Hell, I’m keeping my mustache and beard for the next three months until it gets warm outside so it’s safe to say that I’m not committed to it at all.

Everyone wants love but they search for it with conditions and addendums. I think that love still does exist and people can still connect on a human level that surpasses the physical. But when it’s all based in the composition of a man whose looks and sex appeal rival that of porn stars and celebrities, perhaps it’s time for us to turn the mirror around and ask ourselves if we, too, can live up to what we’re requesting in our potential mate’s physical appearance.

Or better yet, rather than what he looks like, let’s answer the question if we can live up to the characteristics that he should possess. And if you’ve never given that any thought before, perhaps you should start with that question first.

Read Related Posts...

Dating Red Flags

It might have been a while and you might not remember what you are doing, so we asked our fans to give us some red flags to look out for when dating, and here is what they said!

10 Relationship Tips

We thought we would give you guys 10 relationship tips that help us. Of course, we aren’t experts and nowhere near perfect but we definitely have a few tips. All of which has helped us keep our relationship strong, especially in the age of social media.

How to Know When You’re Being Played

Dating is especially difficult in this technological day and age. It’s funny – it seems like the more ways we get to connect to each other, the more barriers go up on making that connection genuine.

BOYFRIEND UNIVERSITY: Dating and Self-Awareness

. When dating, we risk exposing ourselves to new strangers. We risk being judged. Worse case scenarios, we prepare for awkward dinners, bad conversations, and occasional rejections. “You’re a nice guy but… there’s no chemistry.” It’s no wonder many of us hate dating.

Dating in Secret

I’m a lesbian who having an affair with a married woman. She says she loves her husband as a friend but she’s never been really attracted to him. We’ve only been involved a short amount of time and she’s only ever been known as a heterosexual, so she’s not ready to throw everything away for me yet. And that’s fine with me too: I don’t need a serious relationship now either. But I do want to keep seeing her and I want to keep it quiet. I know you don’t approve of deceit, but you have to have some knowledge about dating in secret. What do I do and not do to keep this under wraps until we have a solid plan about what we want?

My Girl is TOO Hot!

I have a dilemma that seems silly even to me. I’ve been dating the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. No, she really, really is. Her personality is also really great. She’s sweet and smart and thoughtful. I’m totally smitten. I don’t know how I landed her, but we’ve been seeing each other for about 2 months since we met through friends at a party. But as much as people envy my luck at having such arm candy, it’s kind of hell. Everyone in the world is competition now. She gets hit on constantly, by both women and men, even right in front of me. She’s good about it and politely shoos them away. But these people eyeball me like, “who’s THIS piece of crap?” It’s incredibly stressful and I feel as though at any second I might end up in a fight with one of them or dropped for someone more attractive. And I don’t want to seem too clingy or jealous to her, especially not this early. What am I supposed to do?

Will losing 110 pounds gain you a boyfriend?

I have a weird question and I don’t know if anyone can really answer it. After years of being heavy… no, really, I was fat…I’ve turned my life around and gotten in shape. A nutritionist, 5 times a week at the gym and a lot of sweat later, I’ve lost 110 pounds. I’m now lean and living an entirely new life… and finding myself unprepared for the attention I get from men. Even though I’m 29 I’ve never really dated and I don’t know how to respond to flirting. It’s also hard not to resent these guys too because I know that 110 pounds ago they wouldn’t have given me the time of day. How do I make up for all those years of not being in the dating pool with everyone else?

Is Ex-Sex right for you?

My ex and I split up about 2 and a half months ago after a year and a half of being together. We broke up because he wasn’t taking our relationship seriously enough for me, canceling plans at the last minute and not being attentive. He is only the third person I’ve ever slept with. I know he’s seeing a couple people casually now but I haven’t been seeing anyone and I’m getting lonely. The last couple times I went out to the bars I really wanted to call him and see if he wanted to just hook up. My friends have talked me out of it, but I don’t think it’s a bad idea because I know it’ll be good and I feel safe with him and it’ll keep me satisfied until I find someone new. Who’s right?”