By the Power of Grayskull, Henny – He-Man Is Back and He’s THICK

Listen.

Miss Information has SEEN things. She sat through the 1987 Dolph Lundgren version on a CRT television with rabbit-ear antennas, clutching a wine cooler. So when they told her Mattel was dragging He-Man back to the big screen, she clutched her pearls AND her poppers and said, “This better be good, or so help me Grayskull.”

Well. It’s good. It’s silly. It’s the kind of movie that knows EXACTLY what it is, which is more than I can say for half the men in this city. Director Travis Knight said the franchise has “an inherent silliness” and that he leaned all the way in, and baby, leaning in is the whole gag. Critics are calling it nostalgia done right, a big goofy summer ride with a buff man in what is, let’s be honest, a leather mini-skirt and gladiator boots fighting monsters. That’s not a movie. That’s a Saturday on the Tavern dance floor.

The Plot, Darling (Such As It Is)

Our boy Prince Adam, played by Nicholas Galitzine, the twink-to-twunk pipeline made flesh, got shipped off to Earth as a child and grew up to be a sad little HR employee. An HR employee! Can you imagine. The most powerful man in the universe was sending you passive-aggressive emails about your timecard.

Then he finds the Sword of Power, returns to Eternia, discovers Jared Leto in a skull mask has redecorated the whole kingdom in Evil, and must become He-Man to save everyone. It’s “Barbie” energy for boys who had feelings about cartoons, and the gays who had those feelings are exactly the ones lining up for opening night.

“A glossy action spectacle that wears its heart on its jacked sleeve, a stud of a film.” And Miss Information did not write that one, the critics did. The gays are UNITED.

Let’s Talk About Those Abs (You Came For This)

Okay. Sit down. Hydrate. We need to discuss Nicholas Galitzine’s body as a cinematic achievement, because the man ate 4,000 calories a day and trained for over a year to look like a refrigerator wearing a harness. He told the press he would NOT be maintaining this physique year-round, which means this film is a limited-time offer, gorgeous. A seasonal menu item. Get it while it’s hot.

When he yanks that sword from the mannequin and transforms, the bulging-out-of-the-business-casual moment from the trailer? The whole theater inhaled. I heard a gay three rows back whisper “by the power of Grayskull” and I knew he meant something different. We were all in church. We were all converted.

The Action Slaps, The Cast Understood the Assignment

The fight scenes are gloriously, intentionally over-the-top, like a kid bashing his toys together on the living room floor, and I mean that as the highest compliment. Camila Mendes as Teela has REAL chemistry with our prince, the people who track these things say so, and Miss Information has eyes. Idris Elba shows up as Man-At-Arms to lend the whole sparkly mess a little gravitas, bless him, doing the absolute most with a character that is, fundamentally, a man with arms. And Alison Brie as Evil-Lyn in a purple cosmic headdress? Serving villainess realness. If she’s not your next Halloween, what are we even doing.

And Jared Leto. Oh, Jared. As Skeletor he’s doing The Most, as he is contractually required to in every role. But here? It works. A goofy, bad-ass, scenery-devouring villain in a franchise about a man named He-Man is exactly the right place to let Jared be Jared.

One For The Childhood Gays

For those of us who had Feelings about the cartoon long before we had words for them, this one lands. The Dolph Lundgren cameo is a love letter. The stacks of vintage “Big Jim” action figures in the background when Adam grabs the sword? Chef’s kiss. The movie remembers where it came from, even when it’s busy winking at it.

The Verdict From the Back of the Theater

Is it high art? No, sis. Is the self-deprecating humor a little exhausting by the end, like a friend who can’t take a compliment? Yes. A few critics clocked that the movie apologizes for its own mythology one too many times, and they’re right, it should’ve just stood in its silliness like it pays rent there.

But you didn’t come for a masterpiece. You came for a beautiful man in a tiny outfit swinging a glowing sword while your inner eight-year-old AND your grown-up thirst both scream. On that promise? It DELIVERS. It’s loud, it’s bright, it’s dumb in the best way, and it’s hot enough to fog up your readers.

Grab your gays, grab a large popcorn you’ll pretend you’re sharing, and go give Eternia your coins. Miss Information approves. Now somebody get me a wine cooler, for nostalgia.