Chante: Hey Drag Racers! Sorry we missed you last week, but Chante had a tuck emergency that left her face down and ass up. Well, we’re back and ready to read. On this week’s episode of drag race, the queens went to boot camp and made over five gay former military men who all served prior to the repeal of DADT.

Sashay: About face bitches. That drill sergeant had me at attention girl! He made those queens work!

Chante: I don’t know about you, but I was living out some personal fantasies during that mini challenge. Forward march!…right into my bed.

Sashay: I guess Detox’s muscles are all implants because she and the rest of the girls all lost that challenge to… Alaska? Well, don’t mess with Texas… or Alaska.

Chante: Or Nebraska for that matter. Alaska thought she was doing herself a favor taking the prettiest military man, but if there’s anything previous makeover challenges have taught us, it’s that it’s the underdog (aka ugliest) of the “dudes” that turns out to be fiercest queen.

Sashay: HalleRu, after all Chante, look at you.

Chante: OH NO YOU DID NOT!

Sashay: Rhyme? Yes bitch i just did.

Chante: Honey boo…don’t underestimate me. I can go from lady to Philly in 2.5 seconds.

Sashay: Don’t you mean, Filly? Hay now!

Chante: It must be hunting season because Sashay is coming for me today! You must not heard about me! I guess this is my punishment for my…accident.

Sashay: For being hung like a horse.

Chante: Well I’m gonna go ahead and say it…ding dong the bitch is dead. Which old bitch? COCO.

Sashay: Oh, that bitch. Yes, this show is getting too predictable. Ru shoulda been done a double elimination last week.

Chante: I’m just glad I don’t have to hear another damn thing about Alyssa Edwards and Coco Montrese. Good riddance.

Sashay: Agreed. However, we’ll still stuck with Ro-Laska-Tox. Poor Jinkx.

Chante: Well Alaska has extricated herself from that threesome so Jinkx still stands a chance of ending up in the top three. It’ll be interesting to see who goes home next because I think the remaining four are all contenders.

Sashay: You nailed it Chante, like when you let that homeless guy nail you in Kahn Park.

Chante: Was he homeless? Hmm…I thought he was your boyfriend.

Sashay: Chante, the guy said he was King Henry VIII. You should have known something was up.

Chante: I thought he might have connections… or a Prince Albert.

Sashay: Well did he?

Chante: The only prince I found was a tattoo that read “We’re gonna party like it’s 1999.”

Sashay: I’ll take you to the clinic tomorrow girl.

Chante: Great. I’ve been meaning to pick up a bottle of Detox’s HEROIN.

Sashay: It’s called RID.

Chante: Well Sashay, the time has come…for you to declare your picks for top three.

Sashay: Even though Roxxxy Andrews won this week’s challenge, I think it’s time for her to go. She whines about trying to find something that Jinkx can’t do, like glam, yet that seems to be the only thing that she can do.

Chante: Ok so you’re going for Jinkx, Alaska and Detox at the top.

Sashay: Yes ma’am.

Chante: I generally agree with you, except I think the judges are going to send one of the funny queens home first. I’m guessing it’ll be Alaska, leaving Jinks, Detox and Roxxxy at the top.

Sashay: Well, I don’t know about ya’ll, but I need a queen who can make me laugh. Can I get an Amen?

Chante: Girl, just look in a mirror…it’s hysterical. AMEN!

Sashay: Bitch.