RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 5

Executive Director of PhillyGayCalendar

Sashay: Welcome back DRAG RACERS!!! It’s been too long and we’re ready to open the library.

Chante: I can’t wait to read these queens for filth!

Sashay: Let’s begin with our first queen to leave – Penny Tration. She was like Porkchop 2.0

Chante: Poor Penny Tration. Couldn’t go deeper – in the water – or in the competition. Bai girl. BAI.

Sashay: Great name, lame queen. Moving on… Two early standouts are undoubtedly Roxxxy Andrews, who won this week’s challenge, and Detox who won the mini-challenge.

Chante: Let’s not count out Vivienne Pinay…I think that queen is going to go a long way.

Sashay: I agree that Vivienne Pinay is a fishy queen, but she’ll need to step up her game if she doesn’t want to follow in the steps of The Princess. This is not a competition for wallflowers.

Chante: And inversely, let’s talk about the weaklings – of course aside from Penny. I’m gonna go ahead and call out Monica Beverly Hillz and Serena Chacha.

Sashay: Yes, Monica Beverly Hillz claims to give good face. Head maybe, but face? I wasn’t seeing that. Serena Chacha is certainly the queen we’ll love to hate. Too bad she won’t be around for too long.

Chante: Yes, her and her untucked paella can chante the hell away.

Sashay: My queen to watch this season will be Lineysha Sparx. She gives good face and fashion.

Chante: Yes, but how about some good English hontey? Let’s see if this Puerto Rican diva will be the one to turn it out.

Sashay: Speaking of turning it out… Chante, what are your thoughts on Alaska?

Chante: Alaska, Alaska, Alaska. I think Jade Jolie put it best…Alaska is a broke down Sharon Needles.

Sashay: Agreed. Was she afraid the underwater photoshoot was going to ruin her trashbag dress? As for Jade Jolie, does anyone else just want to push her off a cliff? What in the Skittles couture was that?

Chante: Ding. Dong. Ding!

Sashay: That bitch needs to edit and backspace control-alt-delete herself.

Chante: Can I get a reboot up in here? Now girl, what I want to see is a fierce battle royale between Coco Montrese and Alyssa Edwards.

Sashay: Ah yes, Coco with her self-described “old Hollywood” look. Well, she was half right. As for Alyssa, where did she learn to form a thought? Bitch said, “Coco was the one back-stabbing behind my back.” She’s not going to win Miss Congeniality, but she might win Miss Redundancy. Just point girl. Point to a picture and tell Sashay what you want. You want juice? You want your bottle? Just point girl.

Chante: And how about we talk about her runway walk. Um, honey obviously needs a coaching from runway diva extraordinaire Miss Jay. Girl was stamping like a horse.

Sashay: Bitch can’t walk, can’t talk… it’s a sad day for drag queens.

Chante: A sad day indeed.

Sashay: The Lifetime movie writes itself.

Chante: Overall, I was generally pleased with the season 5 opener, but think the best is yet to come. There will be more shade and tee to be thrown in the weeks ahead. Can I get an Amen up in here?

Sashay: Amen!

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